I know its been awhile since I last posted, but lately, things with Jess and I have been smooth sailing. In a way, that makes me nervous. It makes me a little on edge, wondering when the next shoe will drop. Don't get me wrong, I had enough drama in the first quarter of this year to last me a lifetime and I never want to experience that again. It is nice to be traveling through calm seas, and yet, I can't help but steel myself for what is coming (whatever that may be)
Jess has been really busy with work. After all the time she has missed and having a new supervisor who hasn't been there through all this, she has had to work hard to restore her reputation. That means lots of late nights, many missed phone calls and texts not answered and even some weekends apart. It has been tough on me and frankly, it is becoming easier and easier to just have my life and she have hers and sometimes they meet.
It makes me sad to think like that but something seems to have changed since her hospital stay. I have somehow become separate from her. Before it was like she and I were so intertwined it was difficult to imagine us apart. Now, it isn't that hard to imagine. And I am sad about that. And I don't think it is just me that feels it. She was at my place this weekend and while she tried, it seemed like she was very detached. She was there physically but mentally and emotionally, not so much.
It isn't like we want the relationship to end. We love each other very much, this I know as fact. It is more like it is changing, evolving into something new, something different and I am not sure I like it very much. I mean I knew it would happen as Jess becomes more and more an outward fixture of our lives, but this doesn't seem to have much to do with Jess herself.
I don't know...maybe I am reading more into this than I should be. Not like that has ever happened before. I know that she had an incredibly long week last week getting ready for a conference on Thurs. and Fri. She worked 2 long days at the conference, starting as early as 5:30 AM and ending well after 10 PM. After the conference Friday night she drove 2 hours home and then packed up, got in the car and drove another 2 hours to my house, arriving around 2 AM. She was up and at 'em all day Sat., going to the mall and then bowling with my family til nearly 11 PM. Then Sunday, she slept all day, off and on. Maybe the detachment I felt was simply sheer exhaustion.
She took a vacation day on Monday without telling me and was able to stay until Tues. morning. What a nice surprise and how wonderful to be able to come home to her on Mon. night. But again, it was very detached, very separate. There was a day when she would stay on a week day like that and I would come home from work and dinner would be made (or cooking) and a glass of wine would be waiting. Instead, she sat and read a book while I took my son to the dr., made dinner and washed dishes, completely tuning me out.Again, not sure if it was still exhaustion or the fact that she didn't want to face the reality of leaving on Tues. morning, but it felt like she was there physically, but not in any other way.
Well, for now, the seas appear calm, and I will take what I can get and enjoy the moment. Tomorrow may be a whole other story......
