Clarification....

So, as you know, I am a genetic girl in love with a transgendered woman. This means that I was born a female, feel as though I am female and live my life as a female. My partner was born male, feels as though he is actually female and would do anything to live that way. Currently, due to his life circumstances, he must live his life as a male, dressing as a male, acting as a male, even using male restrooms.

What my partner sees in his minds' eye is not what he sees in the mirror. When he thinks of himself, he envisions long flowing brunette hair with red highlights lightly grazing her shoulders. He sees in his mind, voluptuous breasts, curving hips, and long, sleek legs. Then he turns on the light, looks in the mirror and faces the reality of his situation. He sees short hair closely cropped into the regulation military hair cut. He sees the salt and pepper, day old scruff on his chin, and he sees his chest, the straight hips that he was born with and all other physical symptoms of being a male and his shoulders sag.  This is the situation that he has faced every morning for the last 40 years or so. While he would give anything to have been born into the correct body, he doesn't have the money, time or resources to transform what he has into what he feels it should be.

In my posts, I refer to my partner as Jess. This is the name that he has given himself when he is in his femme form. I refer to him this way in these posts only. When we are together, I see his male persona and call him by his given name. I rarely actually see Jess in real life. This is both because it is incredibly difficult for me to see her and because we live so far from each other, have children most of the time that we keep it from and because he tries to protect me from uncomfortable experiences.

I just wanted to take some time to clear up any misconceptions that you may have had. I do not live with Jess (or her male version), I don't even see her every day. I don't want to give the impression that I am ok and comfortable with seeing my "man" dressed as a woman, I'm not. It isn't what I want, it isn't what I would choose. There are times I find it difficult, revolting, depressing and sad. I don't find it easy to refer to *him* as Jessica, and do so here for two reasons. One, it is a way of acclimating myself to using the name, for I know that someday, he will want to be referred to by that name on a permanent basis. Second, it is a way of protecting identities. He cannot live as Jess in the open, nor even tell most people who know him. He serves in the military and cannot risk his pension for this. You see, being transgendered is not considered within the parameters of the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". He can be discharged for this!

On the flip side, while I would not choose this lifestyle, and there are times when I am just not into "Jess", there are many MANY times I am. I love the person that is inside that body and it really doesn't matter to me if they present as female or male. The person that is inside makes me happy, loves me and takes care of me to the best of their ability. That person is indulgent in my wants and generous for my needs. They are kind, caring, firm in their beliefs.

Spoke Too Soon....

Well, I guess I spoke too soon in my last post. Jess hasn't contacted me for 2 days....She is at a conference for work and told me that she had sucky cell service in her room. Well she was able to call me on Weds. night, but the call was dropped in the middle of our conversation. I tried to call her back and only got voice mail. I haven't heard back from her since...no calls, no texts, no emails...nothing! I spoke with one of her co-workers who is also one of her safety people in regards to her suicide attempt back in January. The co-worker told me that Jess has been in touch with her and with work and that she sounded in good spirits and that sh was doing fine.

Now, if she can contact her co-worker, why can't she contact me...it makes me feel like I did something wrong, especially when I felt like she was so detached when she was at my place last weekend. Makes me wonder what's up! You can't tell me she couldn't step outside the hotel where she obviously had service to make a quick call to me or send me a text. She could have been dead for all I know!

I have been debating all day on whether or not to go down there. There are definitely pros and cons...for one...it ends up being a 5 hour drive to her place one way when I have to drop my kids with their dad. I would have to make that trip twice, once tonight and then again on Sunday when I pick the kids up. She hasn't been home since last Weds. so I know she has a lot of chores and errands to do over the weekend. If I am there, they won't get done, or I will end up helping with them and I could do THAT at home. Also, I'm not feeling the best. I have been fighting a cold or something for the last few days and feel like complete shit!  Still, I love her and want to spend time with her. I miss her and want to see her...like I said...pros and cons...

And now this....Makes me not want to call her or talk to her for a few days so she can see how it feels....Gawd I get so pissed! This isn't fair..I didn't do a damn thing to deserve this! I'm sure she will come back with an excuse...I was just so busy ....or I  HAD to call "co-worker" it was for work in regards to the conference!

Damn~why is it just when I think things are calming down, something always has to happen!!