Well, it appears that the inevitable has arrived. Jess is wanting to come out more and more. At one point I told "him" that she was banned from my house, but as usual, with a little time, everything changes. First it was just a nightie to sleep in, then it was clothes gravitating to my closet but no dressing, then it was a daring drive from her house to mine in the middle of the night unexpectedly (which prompted the ban) and now it is here. She wants to know if she can dress at my house this weekend.
I know that it has been months and months and months since she has made her appearance anywhere, and that this has been a part of "his" depression, but having her at my house has raised my anxiety level immensely! I am not really sure why. I have seen her dressed before. It left me uncomfortable but it isn't like I've never seen it and I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, able to express herself. So why the fear?
I fear my own reaction first and foremost. I don't want to hurt her feelings, not one little bit. I love her far too much for that. I want to be encouraging and loving. But you see, it really is a big shock to see the person you view as a man, suddenly in female form. And even worse, I do not find her attractive as a female. I don't like kissing lipstick, her breasts are hard and press into places they shouldn't, and she is much taller when she wears her heels. It just feels wrong. I am, after all, a heterosexual female, not a lesbian. Right?
Which leads me to another fear...what if I grow to find her attractive? I mean, I love her personality as "him" and even though she is VERY shy and unsure of herself, that personality will still be there and that truly is what I love about "him". What would that make me? I have never wondered about my sexuality before, always have been attracted to men. But since I have been with Jessica, I have had fantasies, of her, always her, in bed, at my side, wild nights, exploring and investigating. What if I like it? What if it is what I have wanted all along?
I also fear exposure. What if a family member would stop by house unexpectedly and see her? It isn't unheard of to have one of my brothers or my nephew just pop in for a soda or some milk and a cookie. Who do I say she is? Or would they see right through to "him" and find out the secret? Or worse, what if they stop by and see me kissing her? Ack! I don't even want to think about having to explain THAT!
I have told her that she is welcome to bring her things. I know it is the right thing to do and that this will help in her recovery. I will just have to face my fears and see what the weekend brings. I know it won't be all weekend. We have to go to the mall. She is to unsure of herself (I think) so I doubt she would dress for that. We also have my nephew's birthday party and I know she won't dress for that. At most, it may be later Sat. night. That I think I can handle and the risk of exposure is minimal.
Taking a deep breath and going home to face the weekend...Lord, give me strength and wisdom!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Here we go...flood gates open
Wow, a year gone by and I haven't even noticed....well, I did, but I didn't want to! It's been a tough, tough year for Jess and I. She has been spiraling down into a severe depression for months now, culminating a week ago Friday in an unintentional suicide attempt. Being two hours away, I was terrified! I couldn't help any more than I have been able to help all along.
Much of her depression has nothing with being transgendered. It has to do with an ex-wife who keeps piling up bills. It has to do with her no longer being physically fit/lack of exercise. It has to do with fear over losing her job due to security clearances (or lack thereof because of said bills). It has to do with the distance between us. It has to do with her children failing in school despite the intelligence they possess. It has to do with a stressful job. And it does, in part, have to do with being transgendered and the lack of support that she has in that area.
When she was found after the suicide attempt, the hospital she was taken too didn't have any beds in the psychiatric ward, so, being she (actually "he") is in the military, they transferred her ("him") to the VA hospital, along with ALL of her records! ARRRRGGH! Can you say panic? She managed to get that transfer blocked, but will have to explain why at some point.
Ok, let me explain a bit for those of you who don't know...Jess (as a male) is in the National Guard. She (as "he") also works full time for the National Guard. By transferring her records from the hospital to the VA, they basically "outed" her to the Guard.
Luckily, two of her co-workers (one in a position of power) know her situation and are doing all they can to black out or block her records. There is also another person, higher up and a lesbian, who knows and is doing all she can to keep Jess' secret safe.
In the meantime, Jess has taken this opportunity to come clean to others in her life about her status. She discussed it with her father and her two oldest children. She asked for and received their support. In fact, after a very rocky and abusive relationship with her father, finally received the acceptance she has craved since she was a child. I am so happy for her. Hearing that from her dad had to be about the best thing she could have received.
So, her circle is widening and that is a good thing, but what was once an "us" thing is now an "all of us" thing. It makes me sad and leaves me feeling a bit displaced. The two female co-workers that she has confided in are her new BFFs and are also her safety net if she ever starts to feel suicidal again. Of course the safety net is simply due to the fact that they are in close physical proximity and I am not, but it still makes me feel like I am no longer needed.
She says they are friends and I am her love but she is treading in unknown waters and things could change. Of course things could change even if she weren't TS, but that I would know how to deal with.
She has found a support group that meets on the weekends that we don't have our children. She is planning on starting this Friday night. Her new best friend, Patti (from work) offered to go with her for the first meeting so she didn't have to go alone. Jess politely told her no thanks for the offer. Whew...She said she was reserving the right to go with her for me. Awww....
I am appreciative that Patti offered to go. I know it has to be scary for Jess to face this. I know that there have been many times that she has sat outside the building while the meetings were going on trying to gain the courage to go in. I think it would be easier for her if we could go together, holding hands (cuz we will both be scared out of our mind!).
Well, anyway..this post is long enough...now that the cat is coming out of the bag (so to speak) I will probably be on here more, logging our journey. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, we will definitely need them....
Much of her depression has nothing with being transgendered. It has to do with an ex-wife who keeps piling up bills. It has to do with her no longer being physically fit/lack of exercise. It has to do with fear over losing her job due to security clearances (or lack thereof because of said bills). It has to do with the distance between us. It has to do with her children failing in school despite the intelligence they possess. It has to do with a stressful job. And it does, in part, have to do with being transgendered and the lack of support that she has in that area.
When she was found after the suicide attempt, the hospital she was taken too didn't have any beds in the psychiatric ward, so, being she (actually "he") is in the military, they transferred her ("him") to the VA hospital, along with ALL of her records! ARRRRGGH! Can you say panic? She managed to get that transfer blocked, but will have to explain why at some point.
Ok, let me explain a bit for those of you who don't know...Jess (as a male) is in the National Guard. She (as "he") also works full time for the National Guard. By transferring her records from the hospital to the VA, they basically "outed" her to the Guard.
Luckily, two of her co-workers (one in a position of power) know her situation and are doing all they can to black out or block her records. There is also another person, higher up and a lesbian, who knows and is doing all she can to keep Jess' secret safe.
In the meantime, Jess has taken this opportunity to come clean to others in her life about her status. She discussed it with her father and her two oldest children. She asked for and received their support. In fact, after a very rocky and abusive relationship with her father, finally received the acceptance she has craved since she was a child. I am so happy for her. Hearing that from her dad had to be about the best thing she could have received.
So, her circle is widening and that is a good thing, but what was once an "us" thing is now an "all of us" thing. It makes me sad and leaves me feeling a bit displaced. The two female co-workers that she has confided in are her new BFFs and are also her safety net if she ever starts to feel suicidal again. Of course the safety net is simply due to the fact that they are in close physical proximity and I am not, but it still makes me feel like I am no longer needed.
She says they are friends and I am her love but she is treading in unknown waters and things could change. Of course things could change even if she weren't TS, but that I would know how to deal with.
She has found a support group that meets on the weekends that we don't have our children. She is planning on starting this Friday night. Her new best friend, Patti (from work) offered to go with her for the first meeting so she didn't have to go alone. Jess politely told her no thanks for the offer. Whew...She said she was reserving the right to go with her for me. Awww....
I am appreciative that Patti offered to go. I know it has to be scary for Jess to face this. I know that there have been many times that she has sat outside the building while the meetings were going on trying to gain the courage to go in. I think it would be easier for her if we could go together, holding hands (cuz we will both be scared out of our mind!).
Well, anyway..this post is long enough...now that the cat is coming out of the bag (so to speak) I will probably be on here more, logging our journey. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, we will definitely need them....
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