Not Again...

I really want to post positive things in here, but the last few days have been so trying!

I have been "in the mood" for several days now, and every night, Jess has made it clear that she us NOT in the mood.

Not sure what's going on, but stay tuned for another episode of "A Day in the Life of Claire'

Tonight Sucks....

So there was a little to-do at our house tonight! Jess has my kids doing chores while I am at work and is doing laundry and cooking dinner herself , which is a blessing and a huge relief. However, my daughter hates to clean hee room. She will do nearly every chore in the house, even cleaning toilets, before she will clean her room.

Well today she told Jess that her chores were done and was allowed to go to the pool. It was found later that she had not cleaned her room. She threw a fit and fell asleep on her bed and ended up taking a 2 hour nap.

Later I asked Jess if she wills help me with some benefit stuff for my new job. She grudgingly helped but basically told me it was a bit of a bother. I apologized and she told me I was forgiven. I was kind of taken aback by that. I really didn't think that I did anything as bad as all that.

I slept too much yesterday so I was up late last night. I don't want to chalk these feelings up to "being tired" or because I may be. PMSing. 

And to top it all off, he still wants nothing to so with making love....

Maybe I will just go to bed and we can talk about all this tomorrow! tomorrow...

What a sucky night in the life of Claire!

Can't Sleep...Again

Well I guess I shouldn't have slept so much today. Twelve hours last night and a two hour nap this afternoon has left me wide awake. Add all my meandering thoughts to the laziness offers the day and you end up with insomnia. Not a good thing when I have to work tomorrow.

One of the many things floating through my energized brain is my insecurity over how I currently look. I have put on 5 of the pounds I lost and last Friday my left eye tooth broke off at the gum line. I feel fat and redneck and awful. And to top it all off, it doesn't seem like Jess has wanted to be romantic with me since my tooth broke. I hate it! I am a very sexual woman and need that type of contact. When I don't have it, I start to feel really insecure which generally makes things worse. I tried to talk to Jess about this today, but I don't think she heard what I was trying to say. She reassured me that she still finds me attractive and that she loves me, but at bedtime, I got a kiss goodnight, a few minutes of smuggling, and then she rolled over and went right to sleep....ugh...

Anyway...off to try this again...

Good night...from another sleepness night in the life of Claire....

Adjusting...

Living with Jess is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Not that its stressful or ruining our relationship or anything, but there are points of contention.

All my adult life I have just "done". I do the housework, the laundry last minute plans, time with my family I've just done it of I want to it think its the right thing to do.

Now, I have to consult with her on everything and sometimes (OK a lot of times) it seems like it has to be done her way without taking my feelings or considerations into account.

Today for example, we are cooking burgers in the grill. There is far more food than we need. So I asked if we should invite my dad and his wife up for the 4th. Jess said "Its too late notice" effectively closing the conversation.

My family is everything to me and since my mom died it feels like the family has disintegrated. I take every chance I can to spend time with them. Jess does not have a close relationship with her family and rarely sees them. When we are with my family I feel like she doesn't even try and sits by herself playing games on her phone until someone talks directly to her. It makes me feel bad because I don't want to leave her out and yet she makes no effort.

Another thing today is the clothes pins. I asked her to pick some up at the grocery store so I could use my new clothesline today. She said no because they would be too expensive there and she would get some at Walmart later. Again, she knew best!

Anyway, I'm sure that this is all a part of the adjustment period of living together and we will overcome....at least I hope we will.

Happy Independence Day everyone....stay cool....its 102° in this day in the life of Claire

First day...

So I survived the first day of my new job! I think it will be good. I seem to be getting along with my boss and was well received by the others in the office. Benefits are great! I'm starting with 3 weeks vacation, 12 sick days, and 10 holidays. Insurance is great and I even have my own parking space!

A great day in the life of Claire!

First Day and Dr. Apppintments

Well today I start my new job! I'm so nervous and out of sorts. I'm glad Jess is staying with me. She gave me a beautiful pep talk this morning and left me feeling like I can do anything.

I told her that I was afraid that people won't like me and that they would judge me. She looked me straight in the eye and said. "Of course they will judge you! Everyone judges, even you!" I hadn't thought of that, and I had a new perspective. Just because they judge doesn't mean its negative judgment.

So I step into my new role with a little more confidence!

Jess had to go back to Madison today for Dr. appointments. Physical, lab tests, meds review and an appointment with the psychiatrist. She's worried about her cholesterol.  It was pretty high last time and I'm sure the 3 brats and the brisket tacos yesterday won't help! Hopefully everything is good and they won't change.anything. I'm hoping for very dew changes in the next couple months. I've had enough lately to last a lifetime.

Nice to know I will be going home to her every night though!

Until then...off to another day in the life of Claire!

This Moving Thing...

So the big move is over. Jess has finished her 23 year career in the military and has turned over the keys to her duplex. She will be staying with me until she has found her own place. We have agreed that is the beat course of action until we are 100% sure we can build a life together. (Meaning until I can come to terms with living with and loving a woman).

Its been a long time since I have lived with anyone other than my kids. Even when I was married, my ex husband was not around enough to be considered living g there most of the time. I am not having issues so far,  but I can see where they may.

Jess and I have very different sleep patterns. All those years in the military, including one trip to the Middle East, have him rising about 5:30 AM every day. I am so not a morning person! I am not currently working and my kids are at their dads so if I'm up by 9 I'm lucky. Of course she goes to sleep between 10 and 11 while I am up til midnight or later! I'm hoping that will change when I start my new job on Monday.

Also, all the "togetherness" is a bit much. Every minute of every day we are together! I am a huge introvert and need my alone time to re-energize. I haven't had any in quite some time. I need time to do what I want alone. I have a lot of projects I want to get to and even cleaning I do better alone.

To add to all this, there is the extra clutter. It isnt all his stuff, but it definitely contributes. I live in a decent size trailer house with my 2 kids. Space is tight and very limited. We have spent the last 2 months cleaning out my Dads house as he downsizes. Being the sentimental Jimmie that I am, I hate to see anything gone, so I drug it all home! Books, pictures, quilts, even furniture are now scattered around the house, adding to the feeling if chaos!

This will take getting used to, all of it! I know that takes time, so I will have to wait as this all works itself out. In the meantime, welcome to another day in the life of Claire....

Moving and ideas

Jess finally finished her move up by me. We finished cleaning and loaded the last of it today. Hard to believe we are moving on to a new chapter in our lives. One that will surely bring even more new and
startling changes.

Not sure how I feel about it all. If I could have things stay the way they are I most definitely would! In a heart beat!

Unfortunately lots of changes going on. She retired out of the military back in February,  retired out of her job in May, and has moved up here. Physically her breast size has increased due to the increase of estrogen. She has also been practicing her feminine mannerisms. She crosses her legs differently, she moves her hands differently, she even announced that she no longer stands up to pee because it isn't lady like (yet she buck snorts and hocks lugeys in the shower...ewwww)

Lots of emotion accompanying these changes, for both of us. She is excited, nervous, fearful, concerned,  on cloud 9. Me, I'm more hesitant, holding back, scared, filled with dread.

Anyway, just a quick note tonight. Will try to do better as we go...

Night Dear Ones!

Rotten day...

This post had nothing to do with Jess or being trans or relationships so if you are looking for that move in. This post is simply about a ridden day at work.

It was one of those days where it started out bad from the minute I walked in the door at work and went downhill from there.

I wish I didn't have to fight is many battles all the time. I am so exhausted and emotionally spent that I dont feel like doing anything around the house. Which is a real shame since I was in a roll...

I'm sure that part if it is being hormonal. I'm about 5 days out from my period so that doesn't help.

Well I will have to try and get a good night sleep. Maybe that will give me a better outlook in life tomorrow....

In the meantime, I'm off till do dishes and laundry and balance my checking account!

New Issue to Deal With

For as long as I've known Jess its been her and I. We have shared her secret alone for the last 6 years. Now that she has started coming out and our circle of "those in the know" grows I have had to start dealing with some new issues.
The one that is bothering me the most right now is jealousy, of a man... How many of you can say that you are jealous because a guy is paying attention to your boyfriend? Well OK he's not exactly paying attention to "him" but rather to Jess.
OK here's the story...Jess has a Facebook account. On her Facebook she is friends with my best friend, Ann. Ann has a guy friend on facebook who we went to high school with. Lets call him Chuck. Chuck is not my friend on Facebook and has no way to connect me to Jess. But Chuck went through Ann's Facebook and friended Jess. I'm very uncomfortable with this. He comments on her statuses and pictures more than I do I think. Nothing inappropriate mind you or even flirtatious. Just rubs me the wrong way. Especially feeling as emotional and vulnerable as I have been feeling lately.
Jess doesn't hide her transsexual status at all and I know she loves me. I have tried to discuss this with her and am not sure she took me seriously. She says that he probably friend ed her because of her military connection (he's military to) or because if their mutual love of music.
But as a genetic girl who has dated more than her fair share of red blooded men, I have more of an insight into how they think. Jess can't fathom that a guy would think that way at all let alone about her. But I know that she is not only "passable" but beautiful. How could Chuck not see it too?
So there you go...I'm jealous of a guy paying attention to my transsexual partner. Something I never thought I hear myself say...
*SIGH* Just another day in the life of Claire...

A lonely weekend....

I am feeling that eerily familiar feeling of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. Jess and I had plans with all the kids this weekend but because of obligations my son had come up we couldn't make it.

Friday night I took my daughter to pick up her new glasses and do a bit of shopping. A friend of mine rode with to get out of the house. By the time we got back, it was rather late, I had a houseful of teenagers and Jess didn't answer her phone.

For most of Saturday, I didn't hear from Jess at all. Hours went by without her answering her phone or text messages. That always leaves me with the feeling that she is mad at me or something. I just get this feeling in me and I can't seem to shake it. It's not that she acts different when we talk, its that she doesn't communicate as often or say as much when we talk. It reminds me of when she was sick.

Today, we were supposed to take the kids to the big auto show. I was really looking forward to going and instead had to settle for tiny pictures sent from her cell phone. I know she was trying to include me the best she could but I couldn't help but feel left out.

When she did finally call, she was in the vehicle with all the kids and they were all talking and I couldn't hear or make sense of anything they were saying.

She did call around 10 to tell me good night but again didn't have much to say. I hate feeling like this and even when she does ask me what's wrong, I don't have the right words for what I am feeling.

I can't fault her for having fun with her kids when I'm not there, nor would I ever deny her that. I'm just feeling forgotten and unimportant and I'm angry with myself for allowing those feelings to take hold.

I know she loves me...that's all that should matter. Somehow tonight its not.

"Sigh"  Just another day in the life of Claire....

Our Situation

I haven't told many people that Jess is transsexual. Basically only my nearest and dearest. Ok, so I've only told my Bestie!!! She knows and she listens and she empathizes and she supports us. She has even friended Jess on Facebook! :) She is also one of the most open-minded, non-judgmental people I have ever met.


I have another friend that I broached the subject with in a round about way. I used a friend from my former life as the girlfriend, instead of me. I spent 15 years in a big city as opposed to the small town grew up and and now live in, so it was easy for her to believe this story as truth. I told her that one of my friends from the city had called and told me her husband had confided that he is a transsexual. (It was kind of like when we were kids and told our biggest crush...I have this friend....)

Anyway, I wanted to gauge her reaction. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. She said it must be hard and that she wasn't sure what she would do in my friends situation. The conversation came around to, "What would you do if it were your boyfriend?".  I kind of laughed, prayed that my face didn't give me away, and said I guess I would keep loving him for who he is. Then I got really brave, (I think it was the wine talking) and asked, "What would you do if it were my boyfriend?"  She laughed and said "I guess that the dinner we all had out 3 nights earlier would have been a girls night then instead of 3 ladies and him"...I left the conversation at that. Still not sure if she was serious or if she could read into the conversation at all.

I did have someone from a forum ask me "How can you be in love, and choose to stay in love, with a transsexual?"

That really did get me to thinking. Is there something wrong with me to want to continue this relationship? Am I doing more harm than good by staying with Jess, knowing what is potentially coming? Is it possible to be a heterosexual woman in what will essentially could become a same-sex relationship? Can I handle the pain, the criticism, the potential loss of family and friends that comes with this? Especially in a town of 2,000? What will my kids experience and will they understand or cut me from their life? It isn't like he is their father....

I keep telling Jess that every relationship has a story, a situation. This family over here has a soldier that is deployed. This family over here has a child that has challenges. This family has a single parent. This family over here is hiding a secret of adultery and promiscuity. This family here has someone with a drug addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence or child abuse. I tell Jess that our situation is transsexuality...no big deal, better than some situations, but no worse than others.

I love Jess for who she is on the inside. The outside wrapper is starting to matter less and less to me. I love her because she makes me want to be the person she believes I already am. She believes I am strong, beautiful, sexy, decent, wonderful, smart, amazing and best of all, loveable.  And I believe her. I trust her and adore her. Her male wrapping is funny, smart, caring, loyal, sexy, decent, kind, understanding and loving. Why wouldn't she be the same as a female? How could I NOT love that. I have more love in my life with Jess that I had in all my previous relationships combined...I am not sure I could walk away from all that....

Being Sassy

Every day for the last 7 years or more, Jess has worn the uniform of the Army National Guard to work.
Since yesterday was her last day and she is now officially retired, she cannot wear the uniform.
She called me this morning in a quandary.
I asked her what she was gonna wear.
She came back with "My Vickies of course!"
So sassy she is......Glad we can laugh and joke about things like that!

Last Day

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. Today is Jess' last day in the National Guard. After 23 years of service he is hanging up the uniform. It makes me sad that he is being forced to give up something he loves so much and to leave behind a way of life that has lived since  was 18 years old. He has been deployed to Iraq and has worked hard to uphold everything that he and the National Guard believe in. I am proud of his years of service and I am proud of all that he has done and accomplished to keep this country safe.

Jess is feeling a bit sentimental and nostalgic today, as is expected, but she is also excited to be able to move on to the next phase of life. She will be pursuing school and exploring herself more I'm sure. How this will affect me and us is yet to be seen. One day at time as usual.

But today, I want to say how very proud I am of her and what she  has done over the last 23 years. Thank you for your service Jess! God Bless you...and I love you....

Just a Dream

I had a dream about Jess last night. I don't often remember my dreams so I was a little surprised. I have dreamed about "him" a few times, but I don't ever remember dreaming about Jess.

In the dream Jess and I were going out. We were at her house getting ready and she came walking out of the bathroom in her wig and full make up. She was wearing a beautiful bra and panty set and had her clothes laid out on the bed. There were two different outfits and she was asking which I thought she should wear. I looked at her in confusion because I was expecting to be going out with "him" and was taken by surprise to learn it would be Jess and I instead. I don't remember feeling anything but surprise. It wasn't that I was surprised that Jess was there, it was more confusion because I misunderstood the plan. There was not shock, or withdrawing or curiosity or revulsion or dismay. There were none of the usually expected feelings when one sees their boyfriend walk out of the bathroom as a woman. It was just confusion that the plan had been changed and I didn't know.

So, being the self-analytical type, I have been thinking on this and trying to determine why I had this dream and what it means. Am I finally becoming "OK" with Jess? Is my level of acceptance becoming greater? Do I look at Jess now differently than I did before? I used to freak out thinking about "him" dressed. I used to have anxiety attacks and would feel smothered with fear at the possibility that "he" may have her clothes on. This weekend "he" was wearing a bra under "his" clothes and I snapped it and told "him" it was a right of passage and "he" laughed. It just all seemed so natural! She came to bed both nights this weekend with her bra and panties on. While I was curious as to what she looked like as "Him" in women's underclothes, there was no adverse or negative feelings associated with it whatsoever. I was happy about that!  I guess all the baby steps I have taken along the way are starting to pay off.

I (we) still have a long way to go, but I can see positive advances being made and this makes me very happy. I hope I keep dreaming....

One day at a time...

I am slowly learning to take life one day at a time. It may not always be what I want it to be but it is worth living.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and with Jess' support I started counseling yesterday. There is a lot going on in my life even without being in love with someone in Jess' situation.

I have always felt different, like I didn't belong or fit in, even in my own family. When I was about 8, I rummaged through my parents bedroom looking for adoption papers because I feel like I didn't fit in with my family. That has followed me into adulthood.

Besides that, in the last 4 years I have had several traumatic incidents happen. I lost both my beloved mother and grandmother within a year of each other. I lost 2 jobs and watched the love of my life spiral down what seemed like a never ending path of depression that I couldn't stop.

My mother's death was incredibly traumatic for me. She was my best friend and I am devastated by her loss.

After my mom died, my father started seeing another woman. Well to be honest, he started seeing her long before my mom passed, like 30 years ago even though my parents were married for 46 years until the day my mom died.

Now I have to deal with this woman living in my mom's house, coming to family events, and weaseling her way into our lives. It fills me with anger and bitterness. I don't want to carry that over and pass it down to my kids.

Add all that to the situation of single-parenthood and the feelings of aloneness and you have the makings of one of the greatest tragedy stories in history.

I finally came to realize that I am overwhelmed and past the point of being an effective parent or partner.  Its definitely time to do something.

I found a therapist who not only deals with anxiety and depression,  but is a certified sex therapist as well. She will be able to counsel Jess and I as a couple down the road if we so choose. I'm really hoping she can help me make some sense of all this.

Until then its just one day at a time in the life of Claire.

Tuesday again

It's been pretty quiet around here lately. Jess stayed home last weekend to get some stuff done around the house and do some studying. I took my kids to their dad's on Friday night and then cleaned all day Saturday for a get together Sat. night.

I invited over 5 of my best girlfriends for a "Grownup Pajama Party - Girls Only!" It was a blast! We all showed up with our pajamas on and everyone brought a snack and a bottle of wine! We ate, we drank, we gossiped and we played games! What a blast!

I think Jess was a little sad that I didn't invite her. She was a little jealous and was wishing she could be there with us. I couldn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, she had her boys last weekend. She can't exactly dress when they are around. And Second, only my very best friend knows about the truth of who my significant other is. While she is very supportive of Jess and my choice to stay with her, the other girls have NO idea! Although with as much wine as we drank, maybe that would have been the night to tell them all???

Anyway, that's all that is really going on. I got my butt chewed at work again yesterday and may not have a job here much longer. I am looking for a new one and crossing my fingers that whatever is coming my way, comes soon and is better than what I have.

Well, back to work here while I still have a job....

Claire....

Beautiful Tuesday...

Well, today is Tuesday and what a glorious Tuesday it is! It is the last day of January in Wisconsin and normally about this time of year we are facing snowstorms, cold, ice, and severe cabin fever! Instead it is a balmy 50 degrees, the sun is shining and spirits are rejoicing! I took a 30 minute walk today and feel just sublime! It has been an incredibly mild winter with a rare day below 0. I think we have less than 5 snows all winter and those were all after 1 January! It is hard to believe that tomorrow is already the 1st of February. Me thinks it will be a very short winter indeed!

Nothing much going on today. It's just a day as Jess likes to say. No big goings on and no big issues, just a by-the-book, nothing spectacular, every day occurrence type of day! And there is nothing wrong with that. We kind of like smooth sailing at our house! :)

Tonight is homework and housework night at my house. Which usually means pizza, chips and soda for dinner. Healthy, I know! But some nights you just have to do that. My 16 yo son has to play for pep band and his best friend will be over after school to take him and bring him  home. That means 2 teenage boys in the house for dinner. Pizza always works! I think I need to get stock in Tombstone or Jack's or Roma or something!
My 10 (almost 11) yo daughter wants to make cookies tonight to take to school tomorrow for her birthday! Ugh, more mess in the house! As for me I will be working on my research paper for school. I feel like I am already behind and it is only the 3rd week of the semester! Whoops!

Jess is busy at a conference for work this week. She will be gone from today until Friday. With her pending retirement I thought she would be done with those, but I guess not. Well, soon enough. Her last day in the Guard is 29 Feb.

Well, like I said, it isn't much of a day, but at least it is beautiful and it is mine...a day in the life of Claire...

Back to Monday

Well, this weekend didn't happen exactly as planned. I took my kids to their dad's on Friday night and eagerly drove home to meet up with Jess. We met at Olive Garden and had a delightful dinner! Love their Moscato and thoroughly enjoyed dinner. I was disappointed however that my tiramasu was still frozen on the inside. Just meant I got to take it home for later! :) We then went home and went to bed.

Saturday  morning was spent lounging in bed, leisurely enjoying each others' company, talking and laughing. When we got hungry, we got ready and headed to town for lunch at Applebees and then an afternoon/evening of shopping.

We couldn't decide if we were going to go to my work party or if we were going to go home and have the promised photo shoot. I was itching toward my camera and she kinda wanted to go listen to the great music my employers had promised. Well, my brother threw a wrench into all our plans. He called on Sat. morning just as we were getting ready to leave and said that his son wanted to celebrate his 15th birthday at my dad's on Sunday afternoon.

So we decided to go home after shopping and do homework and maybe have the photo shoot. In the end, neither happened. We came home later than expected and hadn't eaten, so we warmed up a few leftovers. I remembered my tiramasu for the night before and gobbled it down like a little piggie. I ended up with a terrible stomachache and bloating and thought I was going to be sick. I was awake most of the night trying to lay still so I didn't have to run for the bathroom. I never did get sick, but I missed out on many hours of sleep. I still wasn't feeling well on Sun. morning.

I managed to pull myself from bed to get ready for my nephew's party and we went down to my Dad's for dinner. We stayed for awhile and then had to go get my kids from their dad's. Jess tried to do homework in the car, but it was too difficult as I was demanding of her attention (even if I didn't try to be) and once the kids were in the vehicle, well, any concentration was impossible.

As soon as we picked up the kids, I could sense a change in Jess. She said she wasn't feeling good, headache, sore throat, chills, body aches, etc...Sometimes I feel like she uses all of this as an excuse for other things. She doesn't do it to be mean or manipulative, I think it's more to not hurt my feelings. I think there are perceived resentment issues between Jess and my son. There is a definite "You're not my Dad" mentality on his part and she just wants to help me raise my kids. Because we don't live together, there is a line drawn in the sand that she doesn't know how to cross. It just seems like as soon as my kids are around, something in her changes. Not sure yet what that is and she hasn't shared.

We got home and got the kids to bed and by that time, I was more than ready for bed as well. Jess stayed last night with the intention of getting up and leaving this morning to make it to work on time (a 2 hour drive). Well, because she wasn't feeling good (or because she wanted to sleep more or cuddle me more or whatever) she didn't get up in time, so she decided to take the day off and do the homework she didn't get done over the weekend.

I hope she takes this semester seriously and doesn't procrastinate. She has an extraordinary opportunity and I hope she makes the most of it.

I asked if that meant she will be staying here again tonight and she said "Sadly, no." and yet she hasn't answered any emails, voice mails, or texts today. I asked her to call when she left my house and she did not. Am I to assume she hasn't left? Maybe she won't. Maybe I'm getting my hopes up....

Anyway, that's what the weekend looked like for me....today is just another day in the life of Claire....

looking toward the weekend.

It's Thursday, finally! Bringing us one day closer to the weekend! I am looking forward to this weekend with both excitement and trepidation.

I have opened myself to possibility and invited Jess (en femme) to be a part of this weekend. A few weeks ago we were discussing my part time photography hobby, and Jess asked when I was going to take pics of her. She said people are asking for her to put pics up on Facebook and it is really hard to get a good one of yourself! I mulled it over in my brain for a few days and then told her I would do it.

We do not have children this weekend so it would be perfect. Also, we will be at my house which will add to my comfort level. I had a hotel room booked for my company's holiday party on Sat. night and had the intent of taking them there, before or after the party. That way my furniture and belongings won't show in the pics and give away identities.

After thinking about it for a week or so, I decided to cancel the hotel room and take the pictures at my house after all. I think it will lend to my overall comfort level and feelings of security. Also, I think that the $100.00 could be better spent somewhere else since the hotel is only about 30 miles from my house.

We have also discussed not going to my holiday party. I really am not in the mood to go and from what I have heard, it is only the big whigs and brown nosers that go and I am neither. So instead, I think the plan will be to shop all day, get our nails done, go to dinner, and then go home and have a photo shoot! Afterward we can snuggle the night away in the comfort of our own bed.

Now, while this is all being done at my invitation, and mostly I feel excited about it, there is the fear and anxiety that goes with any appearance of Jess en femme. My heart starts to pound, my blood races and my palms sweat. I haven't seen much of her dressed, and most of the times I have it has been sprung on me and I haven't had time to prepare. This time is different and I feel different.

Maybe it's all the discussion of it lately. Maybe its the fact that she sent out the letter. Maybe its just because I am getting more used to the idea of it. I don't know. I'm still nervous (as I know she is) but its easier (so far...) If she gives me permission, maybe I will post a few pics here next week...stop on back to see!

So, there you have it...another Day in the Life of Claire...

A normal girl....

So there may be some out there wondering what kind of person dates and stays with a transsexual woman knowingly. I think you may be surprised.  Of course everyone is different so let me stick to describing myself, what I am and what I am not.

First what I am not - I am not a weirdo. I am not lesbian. I am not bi-sexual. I am not even bi-curious. I am not a pervert. I am not insecure. I am not outlandish. I am not alternative. I am not kinky. I am not anti-social. I am not a man-basher. I am not a loner. I am not a deviant. I am not psychotic and I am most definitely not a freak!

Well, then, what am I? I am a small town girl living in a tiny little town in the middle of Wisconsin. I grew up here with my parents and 3 brothers. My parents were married for 46 years before my mom died. My grandparents lived here as did my great-grandparents. I have 3 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, and 5 nieces and nephews (so far). Everyone gets along and we are probably closer than most families.

I work a full time job and have been steadily employed since I was 17 years old. I own my vehicle but not my home. I have a good credit rating, nice clothes and wonderful friends. I was married for 9 years but was with him for 11. We have 2 awesome children who I have full custody of. They are 16 and 11 and the most wonderful, beautiful, brilliant children in the world (in my view anyway). They go to school, participate in extra-curricular activities and respect other people. I have even seen them hold the door for a stranger. I go to school part time to finish my Bachelor' in Organizational Behavior with a Humanities bent. I have been taking classes for 6 years and have about as many to go.

I wear nice clothes, shop at the mall, wear make-up and have my hair done. I am a girly-girl but not high maintenance. I get my nails done and love shoes and purses. I love reading, learning, and travelling, I have friends who I am very close to. We have girls dinners out once a month.

 I am your neighbor, your sister, your mother, your best friend, your cousin, your hair dresser, your child's teacher. I am a normal girl....one who loves a transsexual with all her heart. That's the kind of person I am....

Reaction to "The Letter"

It has been an interesting week and a half. Jess sent out her "Open Letter" a week ago Saturday and the response has been overwhelming for both she and I.

First let me explain what an "open letter" is. When a person who is trans (or gay or lesbian or bi) decides to come out to their family and friend, they may do part of it through a letter. Of course not every one does this, but I do know quite a few do. In the letter, they may detail their feelings, what their first memories were, some of their actions both past and present, and possibly future plans and goals. It is all done in an effort to make those around them aware of what is happening, educate them in the particular situation and offer them an invitation to walk through the recently opened door if they want.

Jess decided that this was something she had to do. She first started her letter when she was in the hospital a year ago. When she shared it with me then, it honestly filled me with panic. Thoughts like "Oh my God! What will people think of "him"?" and  "What will people think of ME??" along with "Oh God, what do I do NOW???" ran through my head. It filled me with sheer terror at the thought of her exposing her secret. "He" reassured me that "he" was just writing it for "his" sake, to get "his" emotions out as part of :his" therapy. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Our secret was still safe.

See at that time, I was still in denial. As long as it was "our" secret, everything was OK, I was safe. It took a long time for me to realize that the can of worms was opening and it wouldn't be long until nearly everyone in our inner circle (and beyond) would be included in "our" secret.

So, fast forward a year and a whole lot of therapy later. Jess is feeling much better, is being retired from the military, and can finally reveal her secret to those closest to her. She started drafting her letter with both excitement and trepidation. She sent out a rough draft to me and a couple other people to go over. When I read the letter I was again filled with panic, but since she had never sent out the last one, I hoped that that would be the case again. Well, I was wrong.

Without explicitly telling me she was going to do so, Jess hand delivered and mailed out the letter (either by e-mail or by postal service) to her entire family and closest friends. Now everyone in her family save her 12 year old son knows. She didn't tell me she did it until after the deed was done. Ugh, my first thought was here we go....But I pulled myself together enough to ask her how it went.

With a catch in her voice and tears in her eyes she related to me the overwhelming love and support she was receiving from loved ones far and wide. Positive messages urging her on to be the woman she was meant to be, love professed from parents, uplifting support from siblings, facebook adds from former co-workers and collegues, and encouragement from friends. After all the years of self-doubt, self-hatred, fear and anguish, my sweet Jess finally found her place in the world and is overwhelmed to have her family and friends standing beside her on her journey. It absolutely amazes me (and yet does not surprise me) at the outpouring of love and support she has received.

The letter has had an interesting effect on me as well. While I have known her secret for over 6 years, the letter, in a way, brought me out of the closet as well. All the loved ones who are supporting Jess are also supportive and loving to me. If they know Jess (even as a male) at all, they know me. Which has answered one of my biggest questions and fears in this whole thing...."What will people think of me for staying with Jess if and when she transitions?" Well, now I know...they will support me and love me no matter what.

To me, that makes the letter nearly as freeing to me as it does to Jess...

Love to all....Claire....

Improved communication...

It is a cold, snowy, blustery day here in Wisconsin. Ice and snow moved in over night to create a beautiful winter wonderland! Schools are closed and roads are sloppy, but I am floating on cloud nine after a wonderful 24 hours with Miss Jessica!

Jess had drill on Saturday so was unable to come up to visit until Saturday night. She arrived around 6 with her boys and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner of my famous enchilada's with salad and Mexican rice. A girlfriend of mine was feeling rather lonely so she came over for dinner as well and afterward, joined myself and Jess' youngest son in several rousing games of mini golf on the Wii! It was a blast and I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time! I ended the evening with sore ribs and cheeks from all the laughter!

After our company left and the boys were all settled down, Jess and I went to bed and spent several hours intimately engaged. It wasn't only physical, we had a very deep, emotional conversation as well. Things were discussed that needed to be discussed for a very long time. These were topics that I avoided talking about with her due to her fragile emotional state over the last year. She has improved so much that I felt I could finally bring them up.

These issues included my feelings of being left behind, of her being selfish and pursuing her wants and needs without consulting me, my fear of her transition if and when it comes and its consequences to our relationship.

The conversation was taken well and in the loving manner in which it was intended and we were able to continue it into Sunday. We also discussed our living arrangements when she moves here to go to school next summer.

While we have waited 6 and a half years to be together, I don't feel that us moving in together is the best plan of action right now. My son is having some resentment issues with Jess as her male self and having "him" move in would just make them worse I am afraid. It would mean moving from our home and getting something bigger and it would mean a constant butting of heads between my son and my partner. My son will be a senior next year and after that it may be a possibility.

I also feel that before we combine our houses and our finances and our entire lives, I feel that Jess needs time to become the person she is meant to be. She has just recently come out to her friends and family and needs to take the time to see how she likes being Jess, see how she is received en femme, and explore the possibilities she now has open to her. While I want to be a part of all of it, I think that it would be better if she does it herself. I can't make the decisions for her or tell her what to do. She needs to figure all of that out on her own and I believe that living with me will hinder that.

I also believe that I need time to adjust to Jess as a female. I met and fell in love with her male persona and have a difficult time trying to figure out if I can continue to be intimate with her as a female. I need to weigh the pros and cons and consider the consequences, not just for me, but for my children, of staying with her during and after transition. I have to be around Jess on a more consistent basis and see how that goes before I go moving in with her.

All of these conversations were received very well. It was a huge relief to have her smiling and open and accepting of what I was saying. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was heard and understood. As Jess told me  - "Heard, Understood and Acknowledged - HOOAH Baby!" - LOL!

Well there you have a condensed version of my weekend...coming soon...Effects of Jess' coming out letter...Stay tuned to the Life of Claire!

Another Day

Well, it's Claire again...today is just another day.

So, what is going on in our little world? Jess keeps moving forward, exploring all that it means to be Jess and female. Last Saturday she sent out "the" letter to her family and friends. It went into detail on who she is, what being a transsexual means and someo of her plans for the future. It went to her dad and her mom and all her siblings, along with some cousins and some friends. The outpouring of love and support she got was very overwhelming for her. She read the responses with tears streaming down her face.

Her family has added her to facebookand accepted her whole heartedly. While some of them have known for quite sometime, others knew something was different about "him", and others had no clue. It was truly an interesting weekend. For those that friended her on facebook, it was their first time seeing her en femme. He has one sister who he is especially close to that has really just jumped right in and offered encouragement and support.

And how am I doing in all this? Well, I am absolutely thrilled for her. It is what she has always wanted and so deserves. The outpouring of love is amazing and she is completely overwhelmed by it.

Other than that, I can feel myself backing away a tad. The more "woman" she becomes, the more I question whether or not I can be in an intimate relationship with her. I love her dearly and would never leave her. I will always support her and if she ever decided to have surgery, I would be sitting by her side when she wakes up, but I am not sure I could still be her girlfriend or her life partner.

I worry that I love her so much and that she is the one meant for me and I am not strong enough to follow through and stand up to all the doubters, hypocrites, and prejudiced people in the world. I don't know if I can tell my kids that the father figure they adore is really a woman. How can I be so shallow to worry about what people will say or the looks we will get?


Well, guess it's time to say good night. Jess had a procedure done yesterday and is ready to snuggle into bed and rest. She is at her house and I am at mine but she is patiently waiting for me to finish here so she can tuck me in. :) Love that, my favorite time of day. Missing her tonight....

Just another day in the life....