Beautiful Tuesday...

Well, today is Tuesday and what a glorious Tuesday it is! It is the last day of January in Wisconsin and normally about this time of year we are facing snowstorms, cold, ice, and severe cabin fever! Instead it is a balmy 50 degrees, the sun is shining and spirits are rejoicing! I took a 30 minute walk today and feel just sublime! It has been an incredibly mild winter with a rare day below 0. I think we have less than 5 snows all winter and those were all after 1 January! It is hard to believe that tomorrow is already the 1st of February. Me thinks it will be a very short winter indeed!

Nothing much going on today. It's just a day as Jess likes to say. No big goings on and no big issues, just a by-the-book, nothing spectacular, every day occurrence type of day! And there is nothing wrong with that. We kind of like smooth sailing at our house! :)

Tonight is homework and housework night at my house. Which usually means pizza, chips and soda for dinner. Healthy, I know! But some nights you just have to do that. My 16 yo son has to play for pep band and his best friend will be over after school to take him and bring him  home. That means 2 teenage boys in the house for dinner. Pizza always works! I think I need to get stock in Tombstone or Jack's or Roma or something!
My 10 (almost 11) yo daughter wants to make cookies tonight to take to school tomorrow for her birthday! Ugh, more mess in the house! As for me I will be working on my research paper for school. I feel like I am already behind and it is only the 3rd week of the semester! Whoops!

Jess is busy at a conference for work this week. She will be gone from today until Friday. With her pending retirement I thought she would be done with those, but I guess not. Well, soon enough. Her last day in the Guard is 29 Feb.

Well, like I said, it isn't much of a day, but at least it is beautiful and it is mine...a day in the life of Claire...

Back to Monday

Well, this weekend didn't happen exactly as planned. I took my kids to their dad's on Friday night and eagerly drove home to meet up with Jess. We met at Olive Garden and had a delightful dinner! Love their Moscato and thoroughly enjoyed dinner. I was disappointed however that my tiramasu was still frozen on the inside. Just meant I got to take it home for later! :) We then went home and went to bed.

Saturday  morning was spent lounging in bed, leisurely enjoying each others' company, talking and laughing. When we got hungry, we got ready and headed to town for lunch at Applebees and then an afternoon/evening of shopping.

We couldn't decide if we were going to go to my work party or if we were going to go home and have the promised photo shoot. I was itching toward my camera and she kinda wanted to go listen to the great music my employers had promised. Well, my brother threw a wrench into all our plans. He called on Sat. morning just as we were getting ready to leave and said that his son wanted to celebrate his 15th birthday at my dad's on Sunday afternoon.

So we decided to go home after shopping and do homework and maybe have the photo shoot. In the end, neither happened. We came home later than expected and hadn't eaten, so we warmed up a few leftovers. I remembered my tiramasu for the night before and gobbled it down like a little piggie. I ended up with a terrible stomachache and bloating and thought I was going to be sick. I was awake most of the night trying to lay still so I didn't have to run for the bathroom. I never did get sick, but I missed out on many hours of sleep. I still wasn't feeling well on Sun. morning.

I managed to pull myself from bed to get ready for my nephew's party and we went down to my Dad's for dinner. We stayed for awhile and then had to go get my kids from their dad's. Jess tried to do homework in the car, but it was too difficult as I was demanding of her attention (even if I didn't try to be) and once the kids were in the vehicle, well, any concentration was impossible.

As soon as we picked up the kids, I could sense a change in Jess. She said she wasn't feeling good, headache, sore throat, chills, body aches, etc...Sometimes I feel like she uses all of this as an excuse for other things. She doesn't do it to be mean or manipulative, I think it's more to not hurt my feelings. I think there are perceived resentment issues between Jess and my son. There is a definite "You're not my Dad" mentality on his part and she just wants to help me raise my kids. Because we don't live together, there is a line drawn in the sand that she doesn't know how to cross. It just seems like as soon as my kids are around, something in her changes. Not sure yet what that is and she hasn't shared.

We got home and got the kids to bed and by that time, I was more than ready for bed as well. Jess stayed last night with the intention of getting up and leaving this morning to make it to work on time (a 2 hour drive). Well, because she wasn't feeling good (or because she wanted to sleep more or cuddle me more or whatever) she didn't get up in time, so she decided to take the day off and do the homework she didn't get done over the weekend.

I hope she takes this semester seriously and doesn't procrastinate. She has an extraordinary opportunity and I hope she makes the most of it.

I asked if that meant she will be staying here again tonight and she said "Sadly, no." and yet she hasn't answered any emails, voice mails, or texts today. I asked her to call when she left my house and she did not. Am I to assume she hasn't left? Maybe she won't. Maybe I'm getting my hopes up....

Anyway, that's what the weekend looked like for me....today is just another day in the life of Claire....

looking toward the weekend.

It's Thursday, finally! Bringing us one day closer to the weekend! I am looking forward to this weekend with both excitement and trepidation.

I have opened myself to possibility and invited Jess (en femme) to be a part of this weekend. A few weeks ago we were discussing my part time photography hobby, and Jess asked when I was going to take pics of her. She said people are asking for her to put pics up on Facebook and it is really hard to get a good one of yourself! I mulled it over in my brain for a few days and then told her I would do it.

We do not have children this weekend so it would be perfect. Also, we will be at my house which will add to my comfort level. I had a hotel room booked for my company's holiday party on Sat. night and had the intent of taking them there, before or after the party. That way my furniture and belongings won't show in the pics and give away identities.

After thinking about it for a week or so, I decided to cancel the hotel room and take the pictures at my house after all. I think it will lend to my overall comfort level and feelings of security. Also, I think that the $100.00 could be better spent somewhere else since the hotel is only about 30 miles from my house.

We have also discussed not going to my holiday party. I really am not in the mood to go and from what I have heard, it is only the big whigs and brown nosers that go and I am neither. So instead, I think the plan will be to shop all day, get our nails done, go to dinner, and then go home and have a photo shoot! Afterward we can snuggle the night away in the comfort of our own bed.

Now, while this is all being done at my invitation, and mostly I feel excited about it, there is the fear and anxiety that goes with any appearance of Jess en femme. My heart starts to pound, my blood races and my palms sweat. I haven't seen much of her dressed, and most of the times I have it has been sprung on me and I haven't had time to prepare. This time is different and I feel different.

Maybe it's all the discussion of it lately. Maybe its the fact that she sent out the letter. Maybe its just because I am getting more used to the idea of it. I don't know. I'm still nervous (as I know she is) but its easier (so far...) If she gives me permission, maybe I will post a few pics here next week...stop on back to see!

So, there you have it...another Day in the Life of Claire...

A normal girl....

So there may be some out there wondering what kind of person dates and stays with a transsexual woman knowingly. I think you may be surprised.  Of course everyone is different so let me stick to describing myself, what I am and what I am not.

First what I am not - I am not a weirdo. I am not lesbian. I am not bi-sexual. I am not even bi-curious. I am not a pervert. I am not insecure. I am not outlandish. I am not alternative. I am not kinky. I am not anti-social. I am not a man-basher. I am not a loner. I am not a deviant. I am not psychotic and I am most definitely not a freak!

Well, then, what am I? I am a small town girl living in a tiny little town in the middle of Wisconsin. I grew up here with my parents and 3 brothers. My parents were married for 46 years before my mom died. My grandparents lived here as did my great-grandparents. I have 3 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, and 5 nieces and nephews (so far). Everyone gets along and we are probably closer than most families.

I work a full time job and have been steadily employed since I was 17 years old. I own my vehicle but not my home. I have a good credit rating, nice clothes and wonderful friends. I was married for 9 years but was with him for 11. We have 2 awesome children who I have full custody of. They are 16 and 11 and the most wonderful, beautiful, brilliant children in the world (in my view anyway). They go to school, participate in extra-curricular activities and respect other people. I have even seen them hold the door for a stranger. I go to school part time to finish my Bachelor' in Organizational Behavior with a Humanities bent. I have been taking classes for 6 years and have about as many to go.

I wear nice clothes, shop at the mall, wear make-up and have my hair done. I am a girly-girl but not high maintenance. I get my nails done and love shoes and purses. I love reading, learning, and travelling, I have friends who I am very close to. We have girls dinners out once a month.

 I am your neighbor, your sister, your mother, your best friend, your cousin, your hair dresser, your child's teacher. I am a normal girl....one who loves a transsexual with all her heart. That's the kind of person I am....

Reaction to "The Letter"

It has been an interesting week and a half. Jess sent out her "Open Letter" a week ago Saturday and the response has been overwhelming for both she and I.

First let me explain what an "open letter" is. When a person who is trans (or gay or lesbian or bi) decides to come out to their family and friend, they may do part of it through a letter. Of course not every one does this, but I do know quite a few do. In the letter, they may detail their feelings, what their first memories were, some of their actions both past and present, and possibly future plans and goals. It is all done in an effort to make those around them aware of what is happening, educate them in the particular situation and offer them an invitation to walk through the recently opened door if they want.

Jess decided that this was something she had to do. She first started her letter when she was in the hospital a year ago. When she shared it with me then, it honestly filled me with panic. Thoughts like "Oh my God! What will people think of "him"?" and  "What will people think of ME??" along with "Oh God, what do I do NOW???" ran through my head. It filled me with sheer terror at the thought of her exposing her secret. "He" reassured me that "he" was just writing it for "his" sake, to get "his" emotions out as part of :his" therapy. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Our secret was still safe.

See at that time, I was still in denial. As long as it was "our" secret, everything was OK, I was safe. It took a long time for me to realize that the can of worms was opening and it wouldn't be long until nearly everyone in our inner circle (and beyond) would be included in "our" secret.

So, fast forward a year and a whole lot of therapy later. Jess is feeling much better, is being retired from the military, and can finally reveal her secret to those closest to her. She started drafting her letter with both excitement and trepidation. She sent out a rough draft to me and a couple other people to go over. When I read the letter I was again filled with panic, but since she had never sent out the last one, I hoped that that would be the case again. Well, I was wrong.

Without explicitly telling me she was going to do so, Jess hand delivered and mailed out the letter (either by e-mail or by postal service) to her entire family and closest friends. Now everyone in her family save her 12 year old son knows. She didn't tell me she did it until after the deed was done. Ugh, my first thought was here we go....But I pulled myself together enough to ask her how it went.

With a catch in her voice and tears in her eyes she related to me the overwhelming love and support she was receiving from loved ones far and wide. Positive messages urging her on to be the woman she was meant to be, love professed from parents, uplifting support from siblings, facebook adds from former co-workers and collegues, and encouragement from friends. After all the years of self-doubt, self-hatred, fear and anguish, my sweet Jess finally found her place in the world and is overwhelmed to have her family and friends standing beside her on her journey. It absolutely amazes me (and yet does not surprise me) at the outpouring of love and support she has received.

The letter has had an interesting effect on me as well. While I have known her secret for over 6 years, the letter, in a way, brought me out of the closet as well. All the loved ones who are supporting Jess are also supportive and loving to me. If they know Jess (even as a male) at all, they know me. Which has answered one of my biggest questions and fears in this whole thing...."What will people think of me for staying with Jess if and when she transitions?" Well, now I know...they will support me and love me no matter what.

To me, that makes the letter nearly as freeing to me as it does to Jess...

Love to all....Claire....

Improved communication...

It is a cold, snowy, blustery day here in Wisconsin. Ice and snow moved in over night to create a beautiful winter wonderland! Schools are closed and roads are sloppy, but I am floating on cloud nine after a wonderful 24 hours with Miss Jessica!

Jess had drill on Saturday so was unable to come up to visit until Saturday night. She arrived around 6 with her boys and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner of my famous enchilada's with salad and Mexican rice. A girlfriend of mine was feeling rather lonely so she came over for dinner as well and afterward, joined myself and Jess' youngest son in several rousing games of mini golf on the Wii! It was a blast and I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time! I ended the evening with sore ribs and cheeks from all the laughter!

After our company left and the boys were all settled down, Jess and I went to bed and spent several hours intimately engaged. It wasn't only physical, we had a very deep, emotional conversation as well. Things were discussed that needed to be discussed for a very long time. These were topics that I avoided talking about with her due to her fragile emotional state over the last year. She has improved so much that I felt I could finally bring them up.

These issues included my feelings of being left behind, of her being selfish and pursuing her wants and needs without consulting me, my fear of her transition if and when it comes and its consequences to our relationship.

The conversation was taken well and in the loving manner in which it was intended and we were able to continue it into Sunday. We also discussed our living arrangements when she moves here to go to school next summer.

While we have waited 6 and a half years to be together, I don't feel that us moving in together is the best plan of action right now. My son is having some resentment issues with Jess as her male self and having "him" move in would just make them worse I am afraid. It would mean moving from our home and getting something bigger and it would mean a constant butting of heads between my son and my partner. My son will be a senior next year and after that it may be a possibility.

I also feel that before we combine our houses and our finances and our entire lives, I feel that Jess needs time to become the person she is meant to be. She has just recently come out to her friends and family and needs to take the time to see how she likes being Jess, see how she is received en femme, and explore the possibilities she now has open to her. While I want to be a part of all of it, I think that it would be better if she does it herself. I can't make the decisions for her or tell her what to do. She needs to figure all of that out on her own and I believe that living with me will hinder that.

I also believe that I need time to adjust to Jess as a female. I met and fell in love with her male persona and have a difficult time trying to figure out if I can continue to be intimate with her as a female. I need to weigh the pros and cons and consider the consequences, not just for me, but for my children, of staying with her during and after transition. I have to be around Jess on a more consistent basis and see how that goes before I go moving in with her.

All of these conversations were received very well. It was a huge relief to have her smiling and open and accepting of what I was saying. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was heard and understood. As Jess told me  - "Heard, Understood and Acknowledged - HOOAH Baby!" - LOL!

Well there you have a condensed version of my weekend...coming soon...Effects of Jess' coming out letter...Stay tuned to the Life of Claire!

Another Day

Well, it's Claire again...today is just another day.

So, what is going on in our little world? Jess keeps moving forward, exploring all that it means to be Jess and female. Last Saturday she sent out "the" letter to her family and friends. It went into detail on who she is, what being a transsexual means and someo of her plans for the future. It went to her dad and her mom and all her siblings, along with some cousins and some friends. The outpouring of love and support she got was very overwhelming for her. She read the responses with tears streaming down her face.

Her family has added her to facebookand accepted her whole heartedly. While some of them have known for quite sometime, others knew something was different about "him", and others had no clue. It was truly an interesting weekend. For those that friended her on facebook, it was their first time seeing her en femme. He has one sister who he is especially close to that has really just jumped right in and offered encouragement and support.

And how am I doing in all this? Well, I am absolutely thrilled for her. It is what she has always wanted and so deserves. The outpouring of love is amazing and she is completely overwhelmed by it.

Other than that, I can feel myself backing away a tad. The more "woman" she becomes, the more I question whether or not I can be in an intimate relationship with her. I love her dearly and would never leave her. I will always support her and if she ever decided to have surgery, I would be sitting by her side when she wakes up, but I am not sure I could still be her girlfriend or her life partner.

I worry that I love her so much and that she is the one meant for me and I am not strong enough to follow through and stand up to all the doubters, hypocrites, and prejudiced people in the world. I don't know if I can tell my kids that the father figure they adore is really a woman. How can I be so shallow to worry about what people will say or the looks we will get?


Well, guess it's time to say good night. Jess had a procedure done yesterday and is ready to snuggle into bed and rest. She is at her house and I am at mine but she is patiently waiting for me to finish here so she can tuck me in. :) Love that, my favorite time of day. Missing her tonight....

Just another day in the life....