Ugh...its all coming to a head

Hey, there, sorry its been so long...Life has been so busy and we have been so focused on getting Jess better that everything else seems to have gone by the wayside.

Well, good news is - Jess is better! MUCH better! She feels pretty good about herself and has been managing work and parenting just fine. She still sleeps a lot but that is as much from her meds and sleep issues from PTSD as it is from anything else.

The bad news is that everything seems to be coming to a head. She has found herself not just 1 but 2 support groups that she goes to or talks to the members on a regular basis. One is even at the VA for soldiers who face this issue. She has also started a small dose of estrogen and testosterone blockers in an attempt to make her hair less coarse and ready her body for electrolysis. Or so she says anyway...I think the dose is higher than that and is doing more than she is admitting to me.

She will be medically retired from the military by the end of the year, which she says is very freeing. Does it have to do with her gender issue, yes, it does. They insisted on her submitting her records due to the continued treatment of depression and of course the gender issue is addressed in many places in her formal records. Luckily she has friends in high places that helped get her a medical discharge where she will receive all benefits due her instead of an administrative discharge (usually what people with gender issues face) where she wouldn't get anything.

Once retired, she will also lose her job as it is a dual-status job. She has to be a soldier to hold the position. Once she is no longer a soldier, she will no longer be eligible to keep it! UGH how stupid is that. As if just because she isn't a soldier any more she loses all the knowledge she gained in the last 5 years of working the this job!

She has been accepted to school as well so she can complete her Bachelor's and begin to pursue her Physician's Assistant degree!  She is so excited about all of this!

So, there is the good news, and I bet you are wondering where the bad news is. Well, the bad news is, I am not sure I can handle all this any more, at least not as her romantic partner and I'm not sure how to tell her. It seems that every conversation gets steered in "THAT" direction and I can't avoid it at all. I am starting to cringe at the thought of talking to her. It seems we can't have a conversation without it coming up in some form. She used to send me links to articles that she thought I would be interested in , now they are all transgendered related. 

Also, she currently lives 2 hours away from me. This is due to ex -spouses and child custody agreements. We met online and have had a long distance relationship for the entire course of our 6 years together. I am starting to want more. I want help around the house. I want someone who will be there to hold me at night. I want to feel that I am not facing the world alone all the time!

As much as I want that, I'm not sure that I want it with Jess. The school she has been accepted to is one that is very close to me, so close that we could potentially live together. As soon as she said that I could feel myself pulling away, hemming and hawing and trying to find excuses not to have it happen (none of which I said to her).

I have children (10 and 16) who love Jess in her male form very very much. *He* has provided a father figure for them that they didn't otherwise have. How can I explain to them that *he* is really a she? I can't even imagine what it would do to them, how devastating it would be! Also, their biological father is the most bigoted, homophobic, narcissistic, racist man I know. He has no tolerance for anyone who is different than he is. I am so afraid of what he would do if he found out that I am with a transgendered person. As for his children, they don't have the same level of love and respect for him that mine do. Jess' ex-wife has really turned all their children against Jess and has effectively driven a wedge between them and her, though I am sure that Jess has something to do with that as well. Jess' military training and his PTSD have made her build an emotional canyon between herself and her children.  Jess' kids don't have nearly as much to do with her and aren't nearly as affectionate and loving to him as mine are. She would definitely lose that if she were to come out to them. Jess' oldest two children know about the gender issue. They saw her in the hospital and have visited her several times since, but they never seem to initiate the contact. They don't go out of their way to involve her in their lives. The younger two still live at home and the youngest is still very cuddly and snuggly, but we are waiting for that to change as he is already 12 and is watching his older siblings closely and trying to act like the "big" kids...

And through it all, Jess doesn't seem to give a thought to what I am thinking or what I will be going through. She just keeps plowing forward like a bull in a china shop. She has done this all along...like with the earrings, or with the hormones! Grrrr! Now it is altering her voice to sound more feminine! She has CDs and without asking, downloaded them onto my computer! Now, my children have access to the same computer. What would they think if they came across these? UGH!!

Wow, this got really long. Guess I'd better quit now. Will do what I can to keep you posted on this never ending saga  in A Day in the Life of Claire!

Clarification....

So, as you know, I am a genetic girl in love with a transgendered woman. This means that I was born a female, feel as though I am female and live my life as a female. My partner was born male, feels as though he is actually female and would do anything to live that way. Currently, due to his life circumstances, he must live his life as a male, dressing as a male, acting as a male, even using male restrooms.

What my partner sees in his minds' eye is not what he sees in the mirror. When he thinks of himself, he envisions long flowing brunette hair with red highlights lightly grazing her shoulders. He sees in his mind, voluptuous breasts, curving hips, and long, sleek legs. Then he turns on the light, looks in the mirror and faces the reality of his situation. He sees short hair closely cropped into the regulation military hair cut. He sees the salt and pepper, day old scruff on his chin, and he sees his chest, the straight hips that he was born with and all other physical symptoms of being a male and his shoulders sag.  This is the situation that he has faced every morning for the last 40 years or so. While he would give anything to have been born into the correct body, he doesn't have the money, time or resources to transform what he has into what he feels it should be.

In my posts, I refer to my partner as Jess. This is the name that he has given himself when he is in his femme form. I refer to him this way in these posts only. When we are together, I see his male persona and call him by his given name. I rarely actually see Jess in real life. This is both because it is incredibly difficult for me to see her and because we live so far from each other, have children most of the time that we keep it from and because he tries to protect me from uncomfortable experiences.

I just wanted to take some time to clear up any misconceptions that you may have had. I do not live with Jess (or her male version), I don't even see her every day. I don't want to give the impression that I am ok and comfortable with seeing my "man" dressed as a woman, I'm not. It isn't what I want, it isn't what I would choose. There are times I find it difficult, revolting, depressing and sad. I don't find it easy to refer to *him* as Jessica, and do so here for two reasons. One, it is a way of acclimating myself to using the name, for I know that someday, he will want to be referred to by that name on a permanent basis. Second, it is a way of protecting identities. He cannot live as Jess in the open, nor even tell most people who know him. He serves in the military and cannot risk his pension for this. You see, being transgendered is not considered within the parameters of the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". He can be discharged for this!

On the flip side, while I would not choose this lifestyle, and there are times when I am just not into "Jess", there are many MANY times I am. I love the person that is inside that body and it really doesn't matter to me if they present as female or male. The person that is inside makes me happy, loves me and takes care of me to the best of their ability. That person is indulgent in my wants and generous for my needs. They are kind, caring, firm in their beliefs.

Spoke Too Soon....

Well, I guess I spoke too soon in my last post. Jess hasn't contacted me for 2 days....She is at a conference for work and told me that she had sucky cell service in her room. Well she was able to call me on Weds. night, but the call was dropped in the middle of our conversation. I tried to call her back and only got voice mail. I haven't heard back from her since...no calls, no texts, no emails...nothing! I spoke with one of her co-workers who is also one of her safety people in regards to her suicide attempt back in January. The co-worker told me that Jess has been in touch with her and with work and that she sounded in good spirits and that sh was doing fine.

Now, if she can contact her co-worker, why can't she contact me...it makes me feel like I did something wrong, especially when I felt like she was so detached when she was at my place last weekend. Makes me wonder what's up! You can't tell me she couldn't step outside the hotel where she obviously had service to make a quick call to me or send me a text. She could have been dead for all I know!

I have been debating all day on whether or not to go down there. There are definitely pros and cons...for one...it ends up being a 5 hour drive to her place one way when I have to drop my kids with their dad. I would have to make that trip twice, once tonight and then again on Sunday when I pick the kids up. She hasn't been home since last Weds. so I know she has a lot of chores and errands to do over the weekend. If I am there, they won't get done, or I will end up helping with them and I could do THAT at home. Also, I'm not feeling the best. I have been fighting a cold or something for the last few days and feel like complete shit!  Still, I love her and want to spend time with her. I miss her and want to see her...like I said...pros and cons...

And now this....Makes me not want to call her or talk to her for a few days so she can see how it feels....Gawd I get so pissed! This isn't fair..I didn't do a damn thing to deserve this! I'm sure she will come back with an excuse...I was just so busy ....or I  HAD to call "co-worker" it was for work in regards to the conference!

Damn~why is it just when I think things are calming down, something always has to happen!!

Smooth Sailing...

I know its been awhile since I last posted, but lately, things with Jess and I have been smooth sailing. In a way, that makes me nervous. It makes me a little on edge, wondering when the next shoe will drop. Don't get me wrong, I had enough drama in the first quarter of this year to last me a lifetime and I never want to experience that again. It is nice to be traveling through calm seas, and yet, I can't help but steel myself for what is coming (whatever that may be)

Jess has been really busy with work. After all the time she has missed and having a new supervisor who hasn't been there through all this, she has had to work hard to restore her reputation. That means lots of late nights, many missed phone calls and texts not answered and even some weekends apart. It has been tough on me and frankly, it is becoming easier and easier to just have my life and she have hers and sometimes they meet.

It makes me sad to think like that but something seems to have changed since her hospital stay. I have somehow become separate from her. Before it was like she and I were so intertwined it was difficult to imagine us apart. Now, it isn't that hard to imagine. And I am sad about that. And I don't think it is just me that feels it. She was at my place this weekend and while she tried, it seemed like she was very detached. She was there physically but mentally and emotionally, not so much.

It isn't like we want the relationship to end. We love each other very much, this I know as fact. It is more like it is changing, evolving into something new, something different and I am not sure I like it very much. I mean I knew it would happen as Jess becomes more and more an outward fixture of our lives, but this doesn't seem to have much to do with Jess herself.

I don't know...maybe I am reading more into this than I should be. Not like that has ever happened before. I know that she had an incredibly long week last week getting ready for a conference on Thurs. and Fri. She worked 2 long days at the conference, starting as early as 5:30 AM and ending well after 10 PM. After the conference Friday night she drove 2 hours home and then packed up, got in the car and drove another 2 hours to my house, arriving around 2 AM. She was up and at 'em all day Sat., going to the mall and then bowling with my family til nearly 11 PM. Then  Sunday, she slept all day, off and on. Maybe the detachment I felt was simply sheer exhaustion.

She took a vacation day on Monday without telling me and was able to stay until Tues. morning. What a nice surprise and how wonderful to be able to come home to her on Mon. night. But again, it was very detached, very separate. There was a day when she would stay on a week day like that and I would come home from work and dinner would be made (or cooking) and a glass of wine would be waiting. Instead, she sat and read a book while I took my son to the dr., made dinner and washed dishes, completely tuning me out.Again, not sure if it was still exhaustion or the fact that she didn't want to face the reality of leaving on Tues. morning, but it felt like she was there physically, but not in any other way.

Well, for now, the seas appear calm, and I will take what I can get and enjoy the moment. Tomorrow may be a whole other story......

An eye opening conversation.....

I had something happen last night that really made me stop and think about the lifestyle that I may be headed for. A lady from my church and I were talking about kids and the funny things that they say. She said that one little girl at her granddaughter's school (3rd grader) tells everyone she is a boy. She has been saying this since she started school. This little girl refuses to attend the girls' birthday parties but instead goes to the boys'. Apparently she dresses like a boy and acts like a boy. The lady from church said she is quite a bully and is usually in trouble.

I mentioned something to the effect of, "You know, there are people out there who believe they are born in the wrong body and know it from a young age." I was testing the waters to see if an educational conversation could be had. Her response to me was, "You and I both know better. Biblically it isn't possible. It is their choice and if this little girl says it often enough she will start to believe it. She is just doing it for some measure of control and attention."

I was completely aghast! I know from my current situation that there is no way in hell that anyone would choose the life of a transgendered person. My honey would rather be a lesbian than deal with feeling completely torn apart by the fact that her brain does not match what her body looks like. I do not know of any transgendered person who would choose to be born the way they are and deal with the hell that comes with it. Another part of me wanted to say "Who the hell are you to make assumptions on what I believe?" but I was afraid that it would give me away.

Now, I am a Bible believing Christian but I don't know enough to get into a theological argument with this woman. She is one of the most devoted church-goers in the congregation. She leads Bible study and is on many of the boards. She would have thrown scripture after scripture at me had I called her on her views. I wouldn't have stood a chance, so I just let the subject drop.

I don't know what the Bible says about transgenders. I don't know what God or Jesus says or thinks about them either. I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who would love to tell me. I'm sure that they would love to fill my comment box with all the "proof" in the world that transgenders are sinners. Well, don't bother, because the last time I looked, we are ALL sinners and God died for ALL our sins. As far as I know, God loves ALL  his children and he made us all in his image. And I don't believe God is wrong or makes mistakes....

This encounter really opened my eyes to what I could be up against and in for in this relationship. The vehemence and certainty in her voice showed her convictions quite clearly. The strength of her words made me think that if she weren't a mild mannered grandma, there just may be violence in store for anyone who disagreed with her. How many times will we, as a couple, or even individually, have to stand up for who we are and face the terrible hatred that is aimed at us? How many times will I cringe back in my seat because I don't feel I have the facts, the proof, or even the words to counteract the ideas people have about transgendered people?

I have never dealt with the anger and violence of one faction of people who have risen up against another. I live in a small community in the Midwest that is very sheltered from the raw, emotional, angry hatred that comes to light when people are starkly different from each other. I saw a touch of this in my fellow congregant last night and it made me so sad. And it made me just a little afraid.....

Valentine's Weekend......

Well, my Valentine's Weekend didn't turn out exactly as I had planned, though in the end, it wasn't as bad as it could have been!

First of all, Jess had a meeting for her Transgender Support Group on Friday night at 7. I was supposed to take my kids to their dad's early on Friday so that I could drive down and attend with her. It was the very first time she was going to go and wanted me there so badly. She was so nervous and has, on other occasions, sat outside the building, too nervous to go in. Unfortunately, work obligations and the fact that my kids decided to stay with me on Friday made it so I couldn't go. Jess was sad that I couldn't make it, but she did understand. I am so proud of her for going on her own and actually going into the meeting and participating!!

The plan for the rest of the weekend was that I would take my kids to their dad's on Sat. morning and meet Jess  (as *him* of course) at Starbucks at 9:30.  I was so excited! It was our weekend without kids, it was Valentines weekend, and it was going to be grand! My ex  yelled at me when I dropped the kids off and I was so incredibly angry. I just really wanted to see a friendly face. I couldn't wait! I got to Starbucks at around 9:20 and she wasn't there yet. So I just went in and waited.

I waited and waited....making up all kinds of excuses for her as to why she wasn't there...she was running late (standard operating procedure for her),  her music was too loud and she couldn't hear the phone...all these excuses, and yet, in my gut, I knew the truth...she wasn't coming. I called and called and nothing. I sent text after text with no response. Finally at 10:15, I sent her a text threatening to call her safety team if she didn't respond, so on my next call she answered. She was still at home, in bed and wasn't feeling  like communicating or doing anything...

Now, normally I am patient, understanding and encouraging. I rarely raise my voice or show my displeasure. Its just who I am and even more so with Jess. She just seems so fragile to me, especially after her suicide attempt, so I try to keep a lid on things and use other avenues to release. However, this day, of all days, that wasn't happening!

I had an awful week at work last week with one of my co-workers on vacation and every single customer going nuts about this or that, my computer program for school locked me out for 4 days or more, kids acting up, family stuff, *him* being sick with all his kids, and then to top it all off, my ex giving me hell when I dropped off my kids. Jess not showing up, after promising to spend Valentines weekend with me, was the last straw.

When she answered the phone, I pretty much gave it to her with both barrels! I don't think, in the almost 6 years we have been together, that I have ever raised my voice in anger to her. But dammit I was mad, madder than I have been in a very long time and I let her know it.

I ended up driving down to her house, angry and crying all the way! By the time I got there, most of the tears were gone, but the anger wasn't. I walked in and there she was, laying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. I marched right in and told her to get up, get in the shower and that we were leaving. There was no way I was going to let her lay around all day and feel sorry for herself and ruin my Valentine's weekend. I think my reaction shocked her. Like I said, I've never spoken to her that way. It gave her a swift kick in the ass.

We ended up spending the rest of the day out and about. She felt really bad, really guilty, and she should have, but I didn't let her feel that way long. Just wanted to move on! We talked so much that day ~ about anything and everything. *He* told me about *his* fears...if *he* doesn't transition, will *he* not be able to live with it. And if *he* does transition, will *he* lose the love of *his* life? What if *he* lost *his* friends, *his* family, *his* kids, *his* job? Lots of questions and very few answers.

We talked and talked and it felt so good. It was amazing to have *him* open up so freely with me and tell me what is on *his* mind and keeping *him* awake at night. I wish I had answers that would help. But of course, I don't. It is something that only she can figure out. I do feel that we became much closer than we ever have been before.  It is like she is finally starting to trust the fact that I love her, as she is, for who she is.

So, all in all, not a bad weekend, just not the way I expected it to be....Kind of like the rest of my life....

A weekend with kids....

Well, it was our weekend with kids, meaning no opportunity for Jess to appear. This is a good thing as I needed a break and for things to be a little "normal". We had birthday parties all weekend for my daughter, along with the Superbowl, so it was mostly just *him*. There were glimpses of Jess, a look, a comment, a hand gesture, but they have been there all along, so nothing out of the ordinary.

We had a good weekend, for the most part. Well, as good as you can get when you have 4 children cooped up in a trailer house for most of the weekend! There were only a couple of speed bumps but nothing that every other family doesn't experience, especially with 4 kids! :)

Next weekend is another story. I used to look forward to our "alone" weekends, when the kids go to their other parents. I used to relish in having *his* full attention focused on us. I loved the time to just languish in our love for each other, to be silly, to act like teenagers in love!  The touches, the kisses, the looks deep into each other's eyes. We have been together for over 5 years and I still get butterflies!

It really is a different story now. I almost dread our weekends alone, especially after the last one. This upcoming weekend, on Friday night, is the meeting of her TG support group. She waited to go until I could go with her and I really do want to go, even though I am nervous as hell and worried and anxious and every other emotion you can think of. I want to go because I know she is nervous too! She has never done anything like this. She has online support from other TGs but nothing real and live and face to face. She is nervous too, but in a different way than I am. Hers is a nervousness caused by her excitement to forge her future, to meet others, to have "friends" she can talk to about all of this. She is excited and bright eyed and breathless with anticipation. I, on the other hand, will go, dragging my feet the entire way. To me this is one more step on the path to the inevitable future that I don't want and I don't want to have to face.

Anyway, her meeting is on Friday night and I promised I would go. Well, things have changed and I won't be able to after all. I was going to get off work early and take the kids to their dads early so I could be there in time for the meeting. Now I can't get off work early so will not be able to make it down there in time. Also, my son wants to stay with me for just Friday night and go to his Dad's on Sat. morning.. This scenario also blows any idea of accompanying Jess to her meeting.

I'm sad that I can't go and I feel even worse that it looks like I will be breaking a promise to her. It just sucks that the meetings are on the same night I have to take my kids to their dad's. Jess lives 2 hours south of me and I meet my ex 1 1/2 hours north. So to get to Jess's house those nights I drive 1 1/2 hours north to turn around and drive 3 1/2 hours south (almost 6 hours of driving) and then I have to do that again on Sunday in reverse.  I would do it though, in a heart beat, and have many times, if that is what needed to be done!

Besides the meeting, I also know that Jess will appear as she did last weekend. It may be even more prevalent because Jess lives in a bigger city where she can blend in a bit easier than she can in my town. What if this is the weekend she decides to make her first public appearance. I'm not sure I am ready for that when I still have a hard time with the private appearances.

Another worry for the weekend is that it is Valentine's Day. It used to be my favorite holiday and now I am almost dreading it! It makes me sad to think of all that I am losing, but that is another topic for another post. For now, I will leave it that all plans for the upcoming weekend are on hold or up in the air. Kinda sucks....

Left Behind...

I wish I had written this post over the weekend, when my emotions, thoughts and feelings were at their most intense, but with Jess right there, it is hard to get anything down. I don't know if she knows I have this blog or, if she doesn't, if I would want her to know. This is where I get rid the hardest stuff out. A place I can write it down, re-read it, turn it over, process it, and eventually, hopefully accept it.

Well, Jess is definitely taking off with the expressing herself thing. I did tell her to feel free to be herself last weekend. I knew it has been a very long time (a year or more?) since she had been able to or even felt like shaving, dressing, etc. and with the recent events, I wanted to be as supportive as I can possible be. I didn't know what it would do to me. I feel very left behind. Like someone has started a jet engine in her and she can't slow down to wait for me. I am hoping that eventually this "kid in a candy store" feeling of being able to express herself will wear off and it can just "be". I don't mind so much that she is transsexual, but why in the world do we have to talk about it all the time? It seemed to be the only topic of conversation all weekend long!

Friday night *he* arrived with suitcase and duffel bag in tow. The duffel is *his* stuff and the suitcase was overflowing with hers! Ok, I can handle it. It was rather late and there was no expectation of Jess making an appearance that night due to the amount of work and effort it would take. She did show up in bed later that night, in a manner of speaking. Instead of the usual t-shirt and boxers, I suddenly found myself snuggling with a silky nightie. It was only the night, no wig or make up or anything. *He* wasn't even shaven, so not a lot of difference and hey, I like silky!  We talked, we laughed, we made love (with everything nicely tucked away of course). Then we went to sleep.

Saturday morning, I had an 8AM chiropractic appointment that we made it to. Then it was off to Wal-Mart and the mall. I was wanting to get a mani/pedi. Jess wanted one too, but is still in stealth mode (for the most part) so I splurged on a massage for her. Then we had some shopping to do and the mall was having their sidewalk sales. Now, normally, I love to shop with *him*, looking at all kinds of different things. But it is a lot different shopping with Jess, especially with the cat out of the bag now...Suddenly our shopping trip became a shopping spree for Jess. I finally stopped looking for myself because I couldn't concentrate with the constant interruptions..."How about this?" "What do you think of this one?" I was just done..I couldn't even enjoy myself. How disappointing.

Later Sat. night we had a birthday party for my nephew. The owners of the house smoke and when we got home, we both needed showers. I took mine and when I got out, *he* was busy with the clippers, getting ready to shave. When *he* jumped in the shower, I put on my favorite nightgown, long and lavender. I wanted *him* to find me sexy, to rekindle that feeling, to try to get the closeness back. When *he* got out of the shower, *he* looked at me with an admiring look and then went straight to trying on all of HER new clothes...

I felt so rejected, so hurt. It was like all she wanted me there for was to admire her in her new clothes and tell her that they looked good. To reassure her. We did make love later, but it just wasn't the same.

Sunday we slept late. Really late. I had to leave around 4 to get my kids and *he* just kind of laid around all day. I thought *he* was going to come with me, but *he* decided not to. When I left, *he* was laying in bed. When I talked to *him* later, *he*  said that *he* thought *he* had confused the cat and the neighbor. *He* said that it was Jess that left my house.  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to have to explain to my kids, my family, my neighbors. And I don't want my neighbors talking about me or my guests. I know I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone elses' business, but this is something completely different. I kind of feel violated. I was scared for her driving home. Its the first time she was out in public (sort of) during the day.

Well, I think this post is long enough for now. Like I said, I should have posted this at the height of emotion. Or maybe several posts over a couple of days. Once again time has had a way of softening the sting....

Nerves and Fear

Well, it appears that the inevitable has arrived. Jess is wanting to come out  more and more. At one point I told "him" that she was banned from my house, but as usual, with a little time, everything changes. First it was just a nightie to sleep in, then it was clothes gravitating to my closet but no dressing, then it was a daring drive from her house to mine in the middle of the night unexpectedly (which prompted the ban) and now it is here. She wants to know if she can dress at my house this weekend. 

I know that it has been months and months and months since she has made her appearance anywhere, and that this has been a part of "his" depression, but having her at my house has raised my anxiety level immensely!  I am not really sure why. I have seen her dressed before. It left me uncomfortable but it isn't like I've never seen it and I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, able to express herself.  So why the fear? 

I fear my own reaction first and foremost. I don't want to hurt her feelings, not one little bit. I love her far too much for that. I want to be encouraging and loving. But you see, it really is a big shock to see the person you view as a man, suddenly in female form. And even worse, I do not find her attractive as a female. I don't like kissing lipstick, her breasts are hard and press into places they shouldn't, and she is much taller when she wears her heels. It just feels wrong. I am, after all, a heterosexual female, not a lesbian. Right? 


Which leads me to another fear...what if I grow to find her attractive? I mean, I love her personality as "him" and even though she is VERY shy and  unsure of herself, that personality will still be there and that truly is what I love about "him". What would that make me? I have never wondered about my sexuality before, always have been  attracted to men. But since I have been with Jessica, I have had fantasies, of her, always her, in bed, at my side, wild nights, exploring and investigating. What if I like it? What if it is what I have wanted all along?


I also fear exposure. What if a family member would stop by house unexpectedly and see her? It isn't unheard of to have one of my brothers or my nephew just pop in for a soda or some milk and a cookie. Who do I say she is? Or would they see right through to "him" and find out the secret?  Or worse, what if they stop by and see me kissing her? Ack! I don't even want to think about having to explain THAT!

I have told her that she is welcome to bring her things. I know it is the right thing to do and that this will help in her recovery. I will just have to face my fears and see what the weekend brings. I know it won't be all weekend. We have to go to the mall. She is to unsure of herself (I think) so I doubt she would dress for that. We also have my nephew's birthday party and I know she won't dress for that. At most, it may be later Sat. night. That I think I can handle and the risk of exposure is minimal. 

Taking a deep breath and going home to face the weekend...Lord, give me strength and wisdom! 

Here we go...flood gates open

Wow, a year gone by and I haven't even noticed....well, I did, but I didn't want to! It's been a tough, tough year for Jess and I. She has been spiraling down into a severe depression for months now, culminating a week ago Friday in an unintentional suicide attempt. Being two hours away, I was terrified! I couldn't help any more than I have been able to help all along.

Much of her depression has nothing with being transgendered. It has to do with an ex-wife who keeps piling up bills. It has to do with her no longer being physically fit/lack of exercise. It has to do with fear over losing her job due to security clearances (or lack thereof because of said bills). It has to do with the distance between us. It has to do with her children failing in school despite the intelligence they possess. It has to do with a stressful job. And it does, in part, have to do with being transgendered and the lack of support that she has in that area.

When she was found after the suicide attempt, the hospital she was taken too didn't have any beds in the psychiatric ward, so, being she (actually "he") is in the military, they transferred her ("him") to the VA hospital, along with ALL of her records! ARRRRGGH! Can you say panic? She managed to get that transfer blocked, but will have to explain why at some point.

Ok, let me explain a bit for those of you who don't know...Jess (as a male) is in the National Guard. She (as "he") also works full time for the National Guard. By transferring her records from the hospital to the VA, they basically "outed" her to the Guard.

Luckily, two of her co-workers (one in a position of power) know her situation and are doing all they can to black out or block her records. There is also another person, higher up and a lesbian, who knows and is doing all she can to keep Jess' secret safe.

In the meantime, Jess has taken this opportunity to come clean to others in her life about her status. She discussed it with her father and her two oldest children. She asked for and received their support. In fact, after a very rocky and abusive relationship with her father, finally received the acceptance she has craved since she was a child. I am so happy for her. Hearing that from her dad had to be about the best thing she could have received.

So, her circle is widening and that is a good thing, but what was once an "us" thing is now an "all of us" thing. It makes me sad and leaves me feeling a bit displaced. The two female co-workers that she has confided in are her new BFFs and are also her safety net if she ever starts to feel suicidal again. Of course the safety net is simply due to the fact that they are in close physical proximity and I am not, but it still makes me feel like I am no longer needed.

She says they are friends and I am her love but she is treading in unknown waters and things could change. Of course things could change even if she weren't TS, but that I would know how to deal with.

She has found a support group that meets on the weekends that we don't have our children. She is planning on starting this Friday night. Her new best friend, Patti (from work) offered to go with her for the first meeting so she didn't have to go alone. Jess politely told her no thanks for the offer. Whew...She said she was reserving the right to go with her for me. Awww....

I am appreciative that Patti offered to go. I know it has to be scary for Jess to face this. I know that there have been many times that she has sat outside the building while the meetings were going on trying to gain the courage to go in. I think it would be easier for her if we could go together, holding hands (cuz we will both be scared out of our mind!).

Well, anyway..this post is long enough...now that the cat is coming out of the bag (so to speak) I will probably be on here more, logging our journey. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, we will definitely need them....