I had something happen last night that really made me stop and think about the lifestyle that I may be headed for. A lady from my church and I were talking about kids and the funny things that they say. She said that one little girl at her granddaughter's school (3rd grader) tells everyone she is a boy. She has been saying this since she started school. This little girl refuses to attend the girls' birthday parties but instead goes to the boys'. Apparently she dresses like a boy and acts like a boy. The lady from church said she is quite a bully and is usually in trouble.
I mentioned something to the effect of, "You know, there are people out there who believe they are born in the wrong body and know it from a young age." I was testing the waters to see if an educational conversation could be had. Her response to me was, "You and I both know better. Biblically it isn't possible. It is their choice and if this little girl says it often enough she will start to believe it. She is just doing it for some measure of control and attention."
I was completely aghast! I know from my current situation that there is no way in hell that anyone would choose the life of a transgendered person. My honey would rather be a lesbian than deal with feeling completely torn apart by the fact that her brain does not match what her body looks like. I do not know of any transgendered person who would choose to be born the way they are and deal with the hell that comes with it. Another part of me wanted to say "Who the hell are you to make assumptions on what I believe?" but I was afraid that it would give me away.
Now, I am a Bible believing Christian but I don't know enough to get into a theological argument with this woman. She is one of the most devoted church-goers in the congregation. She leads Bible study and is on many of the boards. She would have thrown scripture after scripture at me had I called her on her views. I wouldn't have stood a chance, so I just let the subject drop.
I don't know what the Bible says about transgenders. I don't know what God or Jesus says or thinks about them either. I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who would love to tell me. I'm sure that they would love to fill my comment box with all the "proof" in the world that transgenders are sinners. Well, don't bother, because the last time I looked, we are ALL sinners and God died for ALL our sins. As far as I know, God loves ALL his children and he made us all in his image. And I don't believe God is wrong or makes mistakes....
This encounter really opened my eyes to what I could be up against and in for in this relationship. The vehemence and certainty in her voice showed her convictions quite clearly. The strength of her words made me think that if she weren't a mild mannered grandma, there just may be violence in store for anyone who disagreed with her. How many times will we, as a couple, or even individually, have to stand up for who we are and face the terrible hatred that is aimed at us? How many times will I cringe back in my seat because I don't feel I have the facts, the proof, or even the words to counteract the ideas people have about transgendered people?
I have never dealt with the anger and violence of one faction of people who have risen up against another. I live in a small community in the Midwest that is very sheltered from the raw, emotional, angry hatred that comes to light when people are starkly different from each other. I saw a touch of this in my fellow congregant last night and it made me so sad. And it made me just a little afraid.....
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's Weekend......
Well, my Valentine's Weekend didn't turn out exactly as I had planned, though in the end, it wasn't as bad as it could have been!
First of all, Jess had a meeting for her Transgender Support Group on Friday night at 7. I was supposed to take my kids to their dad's early on Friday so that I could drive down and attend with her. It was the very first time she was going to go and wanted me there so badly. She was so nervous and has, on other occasions, sat outside the building, too nervous to go in. Unfortunately, work obligations and the fact that my kids decided to stay with me on Friday made it so I couldn't go. Jess was sad that I couldn't make it, but she did understand. I am so proud of her for going on her own and actually going into the meeting and participating!!
The plan for the rest of the weekend was that I would take my kids to their dad's on Sat. morning and meet Jess (as *him* of course) at Starbucks at 9:30. I was so excited! It was our weekend without kids, it was Valentines weekend, and it was going to be grand! My ex yelled at me when I dropped the kids off and I was so incredibly angry. I just really wanted to see a friendly face. I couldn't wait! I got to Starbucks at around 9:20 and she wasn't there yet. So I just went in and waited.
I waited and waited....making up all kinds of excuses for her as to why she wasn't there...she was running late (standard operating procedure for her), her music was too loud and she couldn't hear the phone...all these excuses, and yet, in my gut, I knew the truth...she wasn't coming. I called and called and nothing. I sent text after text with no response. Finally at 10:15, I sent her a text threatening to call her safety team if she didn't respond, so on my next call she answered. She was still at home, in bed and wasn't feeling like communicating or doing anything...
Now, normally I am patient, understanding and encouraging. I rarely raise my voice or show my displeasure. Its just who I am and even more so with Jess. She just seems so fragile to me, especially after her suicide attempt, so I try to keep a lid on things and use other avenues to release. However, this day, of all days, that wasn't happening!
I had an awful week at work last week with one of my co-workers on vacation and every single customer going nuts about this or that, my computer program for school locked me out for 4 days or more, kids acting up, family stuff, *him* being sick with all his kids, and then to top it all off, my ex giving me hell when I dropped off my kids. Jess not showing up, after promising to spend Valentines weekend with me, was the last straw.
When she answered the phone, I pretty much gave it to her with both barrels! I don't think, in the almost 6 years we have been together, that I have ever raised my voice in anger to her. But dammit I was mad, madder than I have been in a very long time and I let her know it.
I ended up driving down to her house, angry and crying all the way! By the time I got there, most of the tears were gone, but the anger wasn't. I walked in and there she was, laying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. I marched right in and told her to get up, get in the shower and that we were leaving. There was no way I was going to let her lay around all day and feel sorry for herself and ruin my Valentine's weekend. I think my reaction shocked her. Like I said, I've never spoken to her that way. It gave her a swift kick in the ass.
We ended up spending the rest of the day out and about. She felt really bad, really guilty, and she should have, but I didn't let her feel that way long. Just wanted to move on! We talked so much that day ~ about anything and everything. *He* told me about *his* fears...if *he* doesn't transition, will *he* not be able to live with it. And if *he* does transition, will *he* lose the love of *his* life? What if *he* lost *his* friends, *his* family, *his* kids, *his* job? Lots of questions and very few answers.
We talked and talked and it felt so good. It was amazing to have *him* open up so freely with me and tell me what is on *his* mind and keeping *him* awake at night. I wish I had answers that would help. But of course, I don't. It is something that only she can figure out. I do feel that we became much closer than we ever have been before. It is like she is finally starting to trust the fact that I love her, as she is, for who she is.
So, all in all, not a bad weekend, just not the way I expected it to be....Kind of like the rest of my life....
First of all, Jess had a meeting for her Transgender Support Group on Friday night at 7. I was supposed to take my kids to their dad's early on Friday so that I could drive down and attend with her. It was the very first time she was going to go and wanted me there so badly. She was so nervous and has, on other occasions, sat outside the building, too nervous to go in. Unfortunately, work obligations and the fact that my kids decided to stay with me on Friday made it so I couldn't go. Jess was sad that I couldn't make it, but she did understand. I am so proud of her for going on her own and actually going into the meeting and participating!!
The plan for the rest of the weekend was that I would take my kids to their dad's on Sat. morning and meet Jess (as *him* of course) at Starbucks at 9:30. I was so excited! It was our weekend without kids, it was Valentines weekend, and it was going to be grand! My ex yelled at me when I dropped the kids off and I was so incredibly angry. I just really wanted to see a friendly face. I couldn't wait! I got to Starbucks at around 9:20 and she wasn't there yet. So I just went in and waited.
I waited and waited....making up all kinds of excuses for her as to why she wasn't there...she was running late (standard operating procedure for her), her music was too loud and she couldn't hear the phone...all these excuses, and yet, in my gut, I knew the truth...she wasn't coming. I called and called and nothing. I sent text after text with no response. Finally at 10:15, I sent her a text threatening to call her safety team if she didn't respond, so on my next call she answered. She was still at home, in bed and wasn't feeling like communicating or doing anything...
Now, normally I am patient, understanding and encouraging. I rarely raise my voice or show my displeasure. Its just who I am and even more so with Jess. She just seems so fragile to me, especially after her suicide attempt, so I try to keep a lid on things and use other avenues to release. However, this day, of all days, that wasn't happening!
I had an awful week at work last week with one of my co-workers on vacation and every single customer going nuts about this or that, my computer program for school locked me out for 4 days or more, kids acting up, family stuff, *him* being sick with all his kids, and then to top it all off, my ex giving me hell when I dropped off my kids. Jess not showing up, after promising to spend Valentines weekend with me, was the last straw.
When she answered the phone, I pretty much gave it to her with both barrels! I don't think, in the almost 6 years we have been together, that I have ever raised my voice in anger to her. But dammit I was mad, madder than I have been in a very long time and I let her know it.
I ended up driving down to her house, angry and crying all the way! By the time I got there, most of the tears were gone, but the anger wasn't. I walked in and there she was, laying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. I marched right in and told her to get up, get in the shower and that we were leaving. There was no way I was going to let her lay around all day and feel sorry for herself and ruin my Valentine's weekend. I think my reaction shocked her. Like I said, I've never spoken to her that way. It gave her a swift kick in the ass.
We ended up spending the rest of the day out and about. She felt really bad, really guilty, and she should have, but I didn't let her feel that way long. Just wanted to move on! We talked so much that day ~ about anything and everything. *He* told me about *his* fears...if *he* doesn't transition, will *he* not be able to live with it. And if *he* does transition, will *he* lose the love of *his* life? What if *he* lost *his* friends, *his* family, *his* kids, *his* job? Lots of questions and very few answers.
We talked and talked and it felt so good. It was amazing to have *him* open up so freely with me and tell me what is on *his* mind and keeping *him* awake at night. I wish I had answers that would help. But of course, I don't. It is something that only she can figure out. I do feel that we became much closer than we ever have been before. It is like she is finally starting to trust the fact that I love her, as she is, for who she is.
So, all in all, not a bad weekend, just not the way I expected it to be....Kind of like the rest of my life....
Monday, February 7, 2011
A weekend with kids....
Well, it was our weekend with kids, meaning no opportunity for Jess to appear. This is a good thing as I needed a break and for things to be a little "normal". We had birthday parties all weekend for my daughter, along with the Superbowl, so it was mostly just *him*. There were glimpses of Jess, a look, a comment, a hand gesture, but they have been there all along, so nothing out of the ordinary.
We had a good weekend, for the most part. Well, as good as you can get when you have 4 children cooped up in a trailer house for most of the weekend! There were only a couple of speed bumps but nothing that every other family doesn't experience, especially with 4 kids! :)
Next weekend is another story. I used to look forward to our "alone" weekends, when the kids go to their other parents. I used to relish in having *his* full attention focused on us. I loved the time to just languish in our love for each other, to be silly, to act like teenagers in love! The touches, the kisses, the looks deep into each other's eyes. We have been together for over 5 years and I still get butterflies!
It really is a different story now. I almost dread our weekends alone, especially after the last one. This upcoming weekend, on Friday night, is the meeting of her TG support group. She waited to go until I could go with her and I really do want to go, even though I am nervous as hell and worried and anxious and every other emotion you can think of. I want to go because I know she is nervous too! She has never done anything like this. She has online support from other TGs but nothing real and live and face to face. She is nervous too, but in a different way than I am. Hers is a nervousness caused by her excitement to forge her future, to meet others, to have "friends" she can talk to about all of this. She is excited and bright eyed and breathless with anticipation. I, on the other hand, will go, dragging my feet the entire way. To me this is one more step on the path to the inevitable future that I don't want and I don't want to have to face.
Anyway, her meeting is on Friday night and I promised I would go. Well, things have changed and I won't be able to after all. I was going to get off work early and take the kids to their dads early so I could be there in time for the meeting. Now I can't get off work early so will not be able to make it down there in time. Also, my son wants to stay with me for just Friday night and go to his Dad's on Sat. morning.. This scenario also blows any idea of accompanying Jess to her meeting.
I'm sad that I can't go and I feel even worse that it looks like I will be breaking a promise to her. It just sucks that the meetings are on the same night I have to take my kids to their dad's. Jess lives 2 hours south of me and I meet my ex 1 1/2 hours north. So to get to Jess's house those nights I drive 1 1/2 hours north to turn around and drive 3 1/2 hours south (almost 6 hours of driving) and then I have to do that again on Sunday in reverse. I would do it though, in a heart beat, and have many times, if that is what needed to be done!
Besides the meeting, I also know that Jess will appear as she did last weekend. It may be even more prevalent because Jess lives in a bigger city where she can blend in a bit easier than she can in my town. What if this is the weekend she decides to make her first public appearance. I'm not sure I am ready for that when I still have a hard time with the private appearances.
Another worry for the weekend is that it is Valentine's Day. It used to be my favorite holiday and now I am almost dreading it! It makes me sad to think of all that I am losing, but that is another topic for another post. For now, I will leave it that all plans for the upcoming weekend are on hold or up in the air. Kinda sucks....
We had a good weekend, for the most part. Well, as good as you can get when you have 4 children cooped up in a trailer house for most of the weekend! There were only a couple of speed bumps but nothing that every other family doesn't experience, especially with 4 kids! :)
Next weekend is another story. I used to look forward to our "alone" weekends, when the kids go to their other parents. I used to relish in having *his* full attention focused on us. I loved the time to just languish in our love for each other, to be silly, to act like teenagers in love! The touches, the kisses, the looks deep into each other's eyes. We have been together for over 5 years and I still get butterflies!
It really is a different story now. I almost dread our weekends alone, especially after the last one. This upcoming weekend, on Friday night, is the meeting of her TG support group. She waited to go until I could go with her and I really do want to go, even though I am nervous as hell and worried and anxious and every other emotion you can think of. I want to go because I know she is nervous too! She has never done anything like this. She has online support from other TGs but nothing real and live and face to face. She is nervous too, but in a different way than I am. Hers is a nervousness caused by her excitement to forge her future, to meet others, to have "friends" she can talk to about all of this. She is excited and bright eyed and breathless with anticipation. I, on the other hand, will go, dragging my feet the entire way. To me this is one more step on the path to the inevitable future that I don't want and I don't want to have to face.
Anyway, her meeting is on Friday night and I promised I would go. Well, things have changed and I won't be able to after all. I was going to get off work early and take the kids to their dads early so I could be there in time for the meeting. Now I can't get off work early so will not be able to make it down there in time. Also, my son wants to stay with me for just Friday night and go to his Dad's on Sat. morning.. This scenario also blows any idea of accompanying Jess to her meeting.
I'm sad that I can't go and I feel even worse that it looks like I will be breaking a promise to her. It just sucks that the meetings are on the same night I have to take my kids to their dad's. Jess lives 2 hours south of me and I meet my ex 1 1/2 hours north. So to get to Jess's house those nights I drive 1 1/2 hours north to turn around and drive 3 1/2 hours south (almost 6 hours of driving) and then I have to do that again on Sunday in reverse. I would do it though, in a heart beat, and have many times, if that is what needed to be done!
Besides the meeting, I also know that Jess will appear as she did last weekend. It may be even more prevalent because Jess lives in a bigger city where she can blend in a bit easier than she can in my town. What if this is the weekend she decides to make her first public appearance. I'm not sure I am ready for that when I still have a hard time with the private appearances.
Another worry for the weekend is that it is Valentine's Day. It used to be my favorite holiday and now I am almost dreading it! It makes me sad to think of all that I am losing, but that is another topic for another post. For now, I will leave it that all plans for the upcoming weekend are on hold or up in the air. Kinda sucks....
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Left Behind...
I wish I had written this post over the weekend, when my emotions, thoughts and feelings were at their most intense, but with Jess right there, it is hard to get anything down. I don't know if she knows I have this blog or, if she doesn't, if I would want her to know. This is where I get rid the hardest stuff out. A place I can write it down, re-read it, turn it over, process it, and eventually, hopefully accept it.
Well, Jess is definitely taking off with the expressing herself thing. I did tell her to feel free to be herself last weekend. I knew it has been a very long time (a year or more?) since she had been able to or even felt like shaving, dressing, etc. and with the recent events, I wanted to be as supportive as I can possible be. I didn't know what it would do to me. I feel very left behind. Like someone has started a jet engine in her and she can't slow down to wait for me. I am hoping that eventually this "kid in a candy store" feeling of being able to express herself will wear off and it can just "be". I don't mind so much that she is transsexual, but why in the world do we have to talk about it all the time? It seemed to be the only topic of conversation all weekend long!
Friday night *he* arrived with suitcase and duffel bag in tow. The duffel is *his* stuff and the suitcase was overflowing with hers! Ok, I can handle it. It was rather late and there was no expectation of Jess making an appearance that night due to the amount of work and effort it would take. She did show up in bed later that night, in a manner of speaking. Instead of the usual t-shirt and boxers, I suddenly found myself snuggling with a silky nightie. It was only the night, no wig or make up or anything. *He* wasn't even shaven, so not a lot of difference and hey, I like silky! We talked, we laughed, we made love (with everything nicely tucked away of course). Then we went to sleep.
Saturday morning, I had an 8AM chiropractic appointment that we made it to. Then it was off to Wal-Mart and the mall. I was wanting to get a mani/pedi. Jess wanted one too, but is still in stealth mode (for the most part) so I splurged on a massage for her. Then we had some shopping to do and the mall was having their sidewalk sales. Now, normally, I love to shop with *him*, looking at all kinds of different things. But it is a lot different shopping with Jess, especially with the cat out of the bag now...Suddenly our shopping trip became a shopping spree for Jess. I finally stopped looking for myself because I couldn't concentrate with the constant interruptions..."How about this?" "What do you think of this one?" I was just done..I couldn't even enjoy myself. How disappointing.
Later Sat. night we had a birthday party for my nephew. The owners of the house smoke and when we got home, we both needed showers. I took mine and when I got out, *he* was busy with the clippers, getting ready to shave. When *he* jumped in the shower, I put on my favorite nightgown, long and lavender. I wanted *him* to find me sexy, to rekindle that feeling, to try to get the closeness back. When *he* got out of the shower, *he* looked at me with an admiring look and then went straight to trying on all of HER new clothes...
I felt so rejected, so hurt. It was like all she wanted me there for was to admire her in her new clothes and tell her that they looked good. To reassure her. We did make love later, but it just wasn't the same.
Sunday we slept late. Really late. I had to leave around 4 to get my kids and *he* just kind of laid around all day. I thought *he* was going to come with me, but *he* decided not to. When I left, *he* was laying in bed. When I talked to *him* later, *he* said that *he* thought *he* had confused the cat and the neighbor. *He* said that it was Jess that left my house. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to have to explain to my kids, my family, my neighbors. And I don't want my neighbors talking about me or my guests. I know I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone elses' business, but this is something completely different. I kind of feel violated. I was scared for her driving home. Its the first time she was out in public (sort of) during the day.
Well, I think this post is long enough for now. Like I said, I should have posted this at the height of emotion. Or maybe several posts over a couple of days. Once again time has had a way of softening the sting....
Well, Jess is definitely taking off with the expressing herself thing. I did tell her to feel free to be herself last weekend. I knew it has been a very long time (a year or more?) since she had been able to or even felt like shaving, dressing, etc. and with the recent events, I wanted to be as supportive as I can possible be. I didn't know what it would do to me. I feel very left behind. Like someone has started a jet engine in her and she can't slow down to wait for me. I am hoping that eventually this "kid in a candy store" feeling of being able to express herself will wear off and it can just "be". I don't mind so much that she is transsexual, but why in the world do we have to talk about it all the time? It seemed to be the only topic of conversation all weekend long!
Friday night *he* arrived with suitcase and duffel bag in tow. The duffel is *his* stuff and the suitcase was overflowing with hers! Ok, I can handle it. It was rather late and there was no expectation of Jess making an appearance that night due to the amount of work and effort it would take. She did show up in bed later that night, in a manner of speaking. Instead of the usual t-shirt and boxers, I suddenly found myself snuggling with a silky nightie. It was only the night, no wig or make up or anything. *He* wasn't even shaven, so not a lot of difference and hey, I like silky! We talked, we laughed, we made love (with everything nicely tucked away of course). Then we went to sleep.
Saturday morning, I had an 8AM chiropractic appointment that we made it to. Then it was off to Wal-Mart and the mall. I was wanting to get a mani/pedi. Jess wanted one too, but is still in stealth mode (for the most part) so I splurged on a massage for her. Then we had some shopping to do and the mall was having their sidewalk sales. Now, normally, I love to shop with *him*, looking at all kinds of different things. But it is a lot different shopping with Jess, especially with the cat out of the bag now...Suddenly our shopping trip became a shopping spree for Jess. I finally stopped looking for myself because I couldn't concentrate with the constant interruptions..."How about this?" "What do you think of this one?" I was just done..I couldn't even enjoy myself. How disappointing.
Later Sat. night we had a birthday party for my nephew. The owners of the house smoke and when we got home, we both needed showers. I took mine and when I got out, *he* was busy with the clippers, getting ready to shave. When *he* jumped in the shower, I put on my favorite nightgown, long and lavender. I wanted *him* to find me sexy, to rekindle that feeling, to try to get the closeness back. When *he* got out of the shower, *he* looked at me with an admiring look and then went straight to trying on all of HER new clothes...
I felt so rejected, so hurt. It was like all she wanted me there for was to admire her in her new clothes and tell her that they looked good. To reassure her. We did make love later, but it just wasn't the same.
Sunday we slept late. Really late. I had to leave around 4 to get my kids and *he* just kind of laid around all day. I thought *he* was going to come with me, but *he* decided not to. When I left, *he* was laying in bed. When I talked to *him* later, *he* said that *he* thought *he* had confused the cat and the neighbor. *He* said that it was Jess that left my house. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to have to explain to my kids, my family, my neighbors. And I don't want my neighbors talking about me or my guests. I know I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone elses' business, but this is something completely different. I kind of feel violated. I was scared for her driving home. Its the first time she was out in public (sort of) during the day.
Well, I think this post is long enough for now. Like I said, I should have posted this at the height of emotion. Or maybe several posts over a couple of days. Once again time has had a way of softening the sting....
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