Valentine's Weekend......

Well, my Valentine's Weekend didn't turn out exactly as I had planned, though in the end, it wasn't as bad as it could have been!

First of all, Jess had a meeting for her Transgender Support Group on Friday night at 7. I was supposed to take my kids to their dad's early on Friday so that I could drive down and attend with her. It was the very first time she was going to go and wanted me there so badly. She was so nervous and has, on other occasions, sat outside the building, too nervous to go in. Unfortunately, work obligations and the fact that my kids decided to stay with me on Friday made it so I couldn't go. Jess was sad that I couldn't make it, but she did understand. I am so proud of her for going on her own and actually going into the meeting and participating!!

The plan for the rest of the weekend was that I would take my kids to their dad's on Sat. morning and meet Jess  (as *him* of course) at Starbucks at 9:30.  I was so excited! It was our weekend without kids, it was Valentines weekend, and it was going to be grand! My ex  yelled at me when I dropped the kids off and I was so incredibly angry. I just really wanted to see a friendly face. I couldn't wait! I got to Starbucks at around 9:20 and she wasn't there yet. So I just went in and waited.

I waited and waited....making up all kinds of excuses for her as to why she wasn't there...she was running late (standard operating procedure for her),  her music was too loud and she couldn't hear the phone...all these excuses, and yet, in my gut, I knew the truth...she wasn't coming. I called and called and nothing. I sent text after text with no response. Finally at 10:15, I sent her a text threatening to call her safety team if she didn't respond, so on my next call she answered. She was still at home, in bed and wasn't feeling  like communicating or doing anything...

Now, normally I am patient, understanding and encouraging. I rarely raise my voice or show my displeasure. Its just who I am and even more so with Jess. She just seems so fragile to me, especially after her suicide attempt, so I try to keep a lid on things and use other avenues to release. However, this day, of all days, that wasn't happening!

I had an awful week at work last week with one of my co-workers on vacation and every single customer going nuts about this or that, my computer program for school locked me out for 4 days or more, kids acting up, family stuff, *him* being sick with all his kids, and then to top it all off, my ex giving me hell when I dropped off my kids. Jess not showing up, after promising to spend Valentines weekend with me, was the last straw.

When she answered the phone, I pretty much gave it to her with both barrels! I don't think, in the almost 6 years we have been together, that I have ever raised my voice in anger to her. But dammit I was mad, madder than I have been in a very long time and I let her know it.

I ended up driving down to her house, angry and crying all the way! By the time I got there, most of the tears were gone, but the anger wasn't. I walked in and there she was, laying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. I marched right in and told her to get up, get in the shower and that we were leaving. There was no way I was going to let her lay around all day and feel sorry for herself and ruin my Valentine's weekend. I think my reaction shocked her. Like I said, I've never spoken to her that way. It gave her a swift kick in the ass.

We ended up spending the rest of the day out and about. She felt really bad, really guilty, and she should have, but I didn't let her feel that way long. Just wanted to move on! We talked so much that day ~ about anything and everything. *He* told me about *his* fears...if *he* doesn't transition, will *he* not be able to live with it. And if *he* does transition, will *he* lose the love of *his* life? What if *he* lost *his* friends, *his* family, *his* kids, *his* job? Lots of questions and very few answers.

We talked and talked and it felt so good. It was amazing to have *him* open up so freely with me and tell me what is on *his* mind and keeping *him* awake at night. I wish I had answers that would help. But of course, I don't. It is something that only she can figure out. I do feel that we became much closer than we ever have been before.  It is like she is finally starting to trust the fact that I love her, as she is, for who she is.

So, all in all, not a bad weekend, just not the way I expected it to be....Kind of like the rest of my life....