Rotten day...

This post had nothing to do with Jess or being trans or relationships so if you are looking for that move in. This post is simply about a ridden day at work.

It was one of those days where it started out bad from the minute I walked in the door at work and went downhill from there.

I wish I didn't have to fight is many battles all the time. I am so exhausted and emotionally spent that I dont feel like doing anything around the house. Which is a real shame since I was in a roll...

I'm sure that part if it is being hormonal. I'm about 5 days out from my period so that doesn't help.

Well I will have to try and get a good night sleep. Maybe that will give me a better outlook in life tomorrow....

In the meantime, I'm off till do dishes and laundry and balance my checking account!

New Issue to Deal With

For as long as I've known Jess its been her and I. We have shared her secret alone for the last 6 years. Now that she has started coming out and our circle of "those in the know" grows I have had to start dealing with some new issues.
The one that is bothering me the most right now is jealousy, of a man... How many of you can say that you are jealous because a guy is paying attention to your boyfriend? Well OK he's not exactly paying attention to "him" but rather to Jess.
OK here's the story...Jess has a Facebook account. On her Facebook she is friends with my best friend, Ann. Ann has a guy friend on facebook who we went to high school with. Lets call him Chuck. Chuck is not my friend on Facebook and has no way to connect me to Jess. But Chuck went through Ann's Facebook and friended Jess. I'm very uncomfortable with this. He comments on her statuses and pictures more than I do I think. Nothing inappropriate mind you or even flirtatious. Just rubs me the wrong way. Especially feeling as emotional and vulnerable as I have been feeling lately.
Jess doesn't hide her transsexual status at all and I know she loves me. I have tried to discuss this with her and am not sure she took me seriously. She says that he probably friend ed her because of her military connection (he's military to) or because if their mutual love of music.
But as a genetic girl who has dated more than her fair share of red blooded men, I have more of an insight into how they think. Jess can't fathom that a guy would think that way at all let alone about her. But I know that she is not only "passable" but beautiful. How could Chuck not see it too?
So there you go...I'm jealous of a guy paying attention to my transsexual partner. Something I never thought I hear myself say...
*SIGH* Just another day in the life of Claire...

A lonely weekend....

I am feeling that eerily familiar feeling of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. Jess and I had plans with all the kids this weekend but because of obligations my son had come up we couldn't make it.

Friday night I took my daughter to pick up her new glasses and do a bit of shopping. A friend of mine rode with to get out of the house. By the time we got back, it was rather late, I had a houseful of teenagers and Jess didn't answer her phone.

For most of Saturday, I didn't hear from Jess at all. Hours went by without her answering her phone or text messages. That always leaves me with the feeling that she is mad at me or something. I just get this feeling in me and I can't seem to shake it. It's not that she acts different when we talk, its that she doesn't communicate as often or say as much when we talk. It reminds me of when she was sick.

Today, we were supposed to take the kids to the big auto show. I was really looking forward to going and instead had to settle for tiny pictures sent from her cell phone. I know she was trying to include me the best she could but I couldn't help but feel left out.

When she did finally call, she was in the vehicle with all the kids and they were all talking and I couldn't hear or make sense of anything they were saying.

She did call around 10 to tell me good night but again didn't have much to say. I hate feeling like this and even when she does ask me what's wrong, I don't have the right words for what I am feeling.

I can't fault her for having fun with her kids when I'm not there, nor would I ever deny her that. I'm just feeling forgotten and unimportant and I'm angry with myself for allowing those feelings to take hold.

I know she loves me...that's all that should matter. Somehow tonight its not.

"Sigh"  Just another day in the life of Claire....

Our Situation

I haven't told many people that Jess is transsexual. Basically only my nearest and dearest. Ok, so I've only told my Bestie!!! She knows and she listens and she empathizes and she supports us. She has even friended Jess on Facebook! :) She is also one of the most open-minded, non-judgmental people I have ever met.


I have another friend that I broached the subject with in a round about way. I used a friend from my former life as the girlfriend, instead of me. I spent 15 years in a big city as opposed to the small town grew up and and now live in, so it was easy for her to believe this story as truth. I told her that one of my friends from the city had called and told me her husband had confided that he is a transsexual. (It was kind of like when we were kids and told our biggest crush...I have this friend....)

Anyway, I wanted to gauge her reaction. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. She said it must be hard and that she wasn't sure what she would do in my friends situation. The conversation came around to, "What would you do if it were your boyfriend?".  I kind of laughed, prayed that my face didn't give me away, and said I guess I would keep loving him for who he is. Then I got really brave, (I think it was the wine talking) and asked, "What would you do if it were my boyfriend?"  She laughed and said "I guess that the dinner we all had out 3 nights earlier would have been a girls night then instead of 3 ladies and him"...I left the conversation at that. Still not sure if she was serious or if she could read into the conversation at all.

I did have someone from a forum ask me "How can you be in love, and choose to stay in love, with a transsexual?"

That really did get me to thinking. Is there something wrong with me to want to continue this relationship? Am I doing more harm than good by staying with Jess, knowing what is potentially coming? Is it possible to be a heterosexual woman in what will essentially could become a same-sex relationship? Can I handle the pain, the criticism, the potential loss of family and friends that comes with this? Especially in a town of 2,000? What will my kids experience and will they understand or cut me from their life? It isn't like he is their father....

I keep telling Jess that every relationship has a story, a situation. This family over here has a soldier that is deployed. This family over here has a child that has challenges. This family has a single parent. This family over here is hiding a secret of adultery and promiscuity. This family here has someone with a drug addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence or child abuse. I tell Jess that our situation is transsexuality...no big deal, better than some situations, but no worse than others.

I love Jess for who she is on the inside. The outside wrapper is starting to matter less and less to me. I love her because she makes me want to be the person she believes I already am. She believes I am strong, beautiful, sexy, decent, wonderful, smart, amazing and best of all, loveable.  And I believe her. I trust her and adore her. Her male wrapping is funny, smart, caring, loyal, sexy, decent, kind, understanding and loving. Why wouldn't she be the same as a female? How could I NOT love that. I have more love in my life with Jess that I had in all my previous relationships combined...I am not sure I could walk away from all that....

Being Sassy

Every day for the last 7 years or more, Jess has worn the uniform of the Army National Guard to work.
Since yesterday was her last day and she is now officially retired, she cannot wear the uniform.
She called me this morning in a quandary.
I asked her what she was gonna wear.
She came back with "My Vickies of course!"
So sassy she is......Glad we can laugh and joke about things like that!