Unstable Ground

Just for the record I want to say that I hate feeling this way!! Since the day we met, Jess and I have had this unexplainable connection, like our hearts were joined by this invisible chord and we worked on the same wavelength. Lately it seems that everything is all shaky and unstable. She is in such a depression and she can't seem to shake it. She has finally taken the step to see a counselor. Hopefully this one will be able to help HER instead of automatically judging. I looked at the new counselor's website and it seems she is well versed in this type of counseling. Hopefully she can help Jess.

If she does, of course this opens another can of worms. I know what will happen once Jess starts getting counseling, something I knew would happen eventually. She will start coming out. She already has to a small degree. She actually shared her secret with a very trusted and open minded co-worker. This is amazing to me due to the kind of work she does! She also let me tell my closest, dearest friend so that I wouldn't feel so alone.

I know that it is the right step for her, to get the help she needs with this, help I can't provide her with. But of course it scares me. I know it is coming and I don't know if I can deal with it. I can only take it one day at a time and deal with it as it comes.

I will so miss the male version of her! And yet there is a part of me convinced that it doesn't matter, that I love the person inside. I can't imagine my life without her, but I am heterosexual, or am I? What does this make me? What would it do to my kids to learn that the "man" that they adore is really a woman? I can't imagine a good outcome in that.

My cousin's mother divorced her dad for a woman who was f2m. She was 16 when it happened and she is still really messed up because of it. Of course her mom handled it a lot differently and the circumstances were way different, but that is the LAST thing I want to do to my kids!

She was out East for a month for work and I haven't seen her much since she got home. I was looking forward to having time with her this weekend only to learn that her work will take her from me once again. She said she will drive up after her work ends at noon on Sat. but she will be about 4 hours away from me and her back is out again. I can't ask her to drive up here like that! I have a feeling she will cuz she knows how I am feeling.

After we go through a particulary rough spot in our relationship, I always feel a bit unsettled and shaky with it until we are able to spend time together and look into each other's eyes. It isn't until we can see each other and touch each other that we become re-connected and everything is back on the same wavelength!

A fit of jealousy.....

Ugh, what a waste of a beautiful day. I sit here at my desk with absolutely nothing to do but stare out the window at the sunshine, wishing I was doing anything else but sitting here! I have so much to do, so many things to accomplish and yet here I sit. I suppose having a job is better than not having a paycheck, but I sure wish I had something to do while I was here!!

Jess seems to be in a fairly good mood today. I'm not sure if it is because she is at a conference with her co-workers and this is a bluff she has put on for their sake or if she really has perked up. I think their presence has really helped pull her out of her slump. Sometimes it hurts that others can do for her what I can't seem to do. I sometimes wonder if there is someone out there that would be better for her than I am. I wonder too if she would rather be with someone more like herself, rather than some silly genetic girl who knows very little about this culture.

That has been a big thing for me in this relationship. I am jealous, jealous of all her friends, of the females that she has in her life as friends. Of course I can't let her see that. Her ex-wife despised the fact that Jess feels more comfortable with women than she does men. Her ex-wife saw all other women as threats. So of course I can't tell Jess about how I feel regarding this or I will be lumped into the same category as the "EX". But I am jealous. She has so many friends, she is so outgoing and gregarioius. She loves to talk and to flirt and of course is only interested in women. So I worry, just as any woman would worry if their man acted this way. I am, by nature, a very introverted homebody. I have a hard time talking with people, especially people I don't know or someone who I am intimidated by.

So anyway, I am jealous. I know that she is mine and the fact that she is tg and in deep stealth, it is highly unlikely that any of these women will replace me. The fact remains, however, that the feelings are there and can not be shared with Jess.

I know that my imagination is my own worst enemy (thanks Jess, for teaching me that), and I am probably imagining scenarios that never have happened or never would happen. Even to me, some of these scenarios are impossible, but sometimes, even the relationship is impossible. I never dreamed, not in a million years, that I would be in a relationship with a transgendered person. Not only in a relationship, but choosing to stay in said relationship.....

Who'da thunk it???

So angry!!

OMG!! I can't say a word to her without it being turned into some huge drama or having her feel like I am criticizing her. On her FB page she made a comment about way too much on her mind and that she is thinking of going away somewhere. A friend of hers made the comment of "just where do you think you are gonna go?" (which is taken with a grain of salt because of who wrote it) and so I tagged on with " And do you think it would solve the problem?" And of course I am criticizing her! Where in the hell did that come from. She just added "Claire" onto her site this morning and the first thing I write to her is wrong on so many levels. I went back and deleted the post I made. Maybe being on her FB page isn't the right thing....it was just a way to try to enter her world and feel more a part of it. Guess I will just watch for now and not write anything.

I am trying to be more involved in her "world", in the trans culture. I am trying to learn. I have determined that I can't go through our relationship with blinders on, that I have to be a part of ALL of it or this relationship won't work. And the minute I try, I am whacked back down! I offer support, it is turned away. I offer comfort, only to have it brushed off. I try to give her a kick in the pants to snap her out of her pity party and I get the silent treatment. UGH!!! What do I do???? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball!

UGH, this is so hard the last few weeks she has been soooooooo temperamental and emotional. I swear, even though she wasn't born with the parts, she pms's way worse than I do!!

She really seems to go in cycles. Being that she is in deep stealth, she can't always express herself in the way that she wants to or needs to. The longer she goes without expressing herself (dressing), the worse it is. She gets ornery, crabby, emotional, downright bitchy somedays! It is hard on me because I am the one closest to her and I take the brunt of it. Good thing God gave me wide shoulders. Most others would throw their hands up in disgust and walk away.

Introducing.....Claire Stanger...

For those of you who don't know me, I am Claire Stanger...well, that in itself is simply a moniker I gave myself, kind of a psuedo/alter-personality. You see I am a genetic, heterosexual girl that is madly in love with a transgendered woman. While we love each other deeply, her true identity must remain a highly guarded secret. She is in deep stealth at this point and can not risk anyone finding out. Therefore, in order for me to write and get the feelings out, I will write under the name "Claire Stanger".

To those of you new to the culture, a genetic girl is someone who is born a girl and views herself as a girl. A transgendered woman is someone who is born male, but views themselves as being born in the wrong body, they view themselves as being a woman. Trans-women can be in all stages of transitioning (changing into a woman). Some are in deep stealth, meaning that no one knows their secret and they will only appear as a woman in the utmost secrecy. This could be due to family, friends, work, a multitude of reasons. Some women are completely through their transition, meaning them have had their surgery and are living full time as a woman, barely distinguishable from a genetic female.

Well, enough of the vocabulary lesson for now. If you have questions, let me know. Now about me. I was not looking for a trans relationship. I was barely out of a 9 year marriage with 2 small children in tow. I was looking for a man, someone I could fall in love with...I prayed and prayed I would find someone. In my mind, it was always a man that I saw...I had never found women attractive, never thought about being in a relationship with a woman. I was heterosexual....give me a big strong man, I was happy. Then I met HIM.

Our relationship started nearly 4 years ago. I met HIM first, online, and it was fantastic. We could talk, we could relate, we laughed....we met, we fell in love. Three months later, HE told me about Jessica. What a shock. Here was the man of my dreams, the one who treated me like a princess, the one who believed in me and made me believe in myself. I trusted him as no other and couldn't help but feel betrayed. Despite the pain, the confusion and the sadness, I made the choice to stay with him, to work things out. Maybe I was naive, no I know I was naive...had I known the pain and the heartache to come, I would have walked away. But love won out and here we are 4 joyous, beautiful, painful years later.

I can't say that it has always been easy...on the contrary there are times when it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Fear has jumped in the way many times and cause road blocks for us. But, as Randy Pausch says in his book, Roadblocks are merely there to make you see how badly you want something. If you want it bad enough, there is a way around the roadblock.

It has also been the best thing to ever happen to me. Jessica is warm, caring, and loving. She knows exactly what I need, when I need it because she has the same feelings. She understands women's cycles, though she doesn't have one herself. She understands being emotional and changing your mind and shopping. She listens, she cheers me on and she loves me no matter what my past holds! What more could I ask for???

I love Jessica from the bottom of my heart and every day is a new day, every day is a learning day, every day that she is in my life is a joyous day!