Unstable Ground

Just for the record I want to say that I hate feeling this way!! Since the day we met, Jess and I have had this unexplainable connection, like our hearts were joined by this invisible chord and we worked on the same wavelength. Lately it seems that everything is all shaky and unstable. She is in such a depression and she can't seem to shake it. She has finally taken the step to see a counselor. Hopefully this one will be able to help HER instead of automatically judging. I looked at the new counselor's website and it seems she is well versed in this type of counseling. Hopefully she can help Jess.

If she does, of course this opens another can of worms. I know what will happen once Jess starts getting counseling, something I knew would happen eventually. She will start coming out. She already has to a small degree. She actually shared her secret with a very trusted and open minded co-worker. This is amazing to me due to the kind of work she does! She also let me tell my closest, dearest friend so that I wouldn't feel so alone.

I know that it is the right step for her, to get the help she needs with this, help I can't provide her with. But of course it scares me. I know it is coming and I don't know if I can deal with it. I can only take it one day at a time and deal with it as it comes.

I will so miss the male version of her! And yet there is a part of me convinced that it doesn't matter, that I love the person inside. I can't imagine my life without her, but I am heterosexual, or am I? What does this make me? What would it do to my kids to learn that the "man" that they adore is really a woman? I can't imagine a good outcome in that.

My cousin's mother divorced her dad for a woman who was f2m. She was 16 when it happened and she is still really messed up because of it. Of course her mom handled it a lot differently and the circumstances were way different, but that is the LAST thing I want to do to my kids!

She was out East for a month for work and I haven't seen her much since she got home. I was looking forward to having time with her this weekend only to learn that her work will take her from me once again. She said she will drive up after her work ends at noon on Sat. but she will be about 4 hours away from me and her back is out again. I can't ask her to drive up here like that! I have a feeling she will cuz she knows how I am feeling.

After we go through a particulary rough spot in our relationship, I always feel a bit unsettled and shaky with it until we are able to spend time together and look into each other's eyes. It isn't until we can see each other and touch each other that we become re-connected and everything is back on the same wavelength!