A fit of jealousy.....

Ugh, what a waste of a beautiful day. I sit here at my desk with absolutely nothing to do but stare out the window at the sunshine, wishing I was doing anything else but sitting here! I have so much to do, so many things to accomplish and yet here I sit. I suppose having a job is better than not having a paycheck, but I sure wish I had something to do while I was here!!

Jess seems to be in a fairly good mood today. I'm not sure if it is because she is at a conference with her co-workers and this is a bluff she has put on for their sake or if she really has perked up. I think their presence has really helped pull her out of her slump. Sometimes it hurts that others can do for her what I can't seem to do. I sometimes wonder if there is someone out there that would be better for her than I am. I wonder too if she would rather be with someone more like herself, rather than some silly genetic girl who knows very little about this culture.

That has been a big thing for me in this relationship. I am jealous, jealous of all her friends, of the females that she has in her life as friends. Of course I can't let her see that. Her ex-wife despised the fact that Jess feels more comfortable with women than she does men. Her ex-wife saw all other women as threats. So of course I can't tell Jess about how I feel regarding this or I will be lumped into the same category as the "EX". But I am jealous. She has so many friends, she is so outgoing and gregarioius. She loves to talk and to flirt and of course is only interested in women. So I worry, just as any woman would worry if their man acted this way. I am, by nature, a very introverted homebody. I have a hard time talking with people, especially people I don't know or someone who I am intimidated by.

So anyway, I am jealous. I know that she is mine and the fact that she is tg and in deep stealth, it is highly unlikely that any of these women will replace me. The fact remains, however, that the feelings are there and can not be shared with Jess.

I know that my imagination is my own worst enemy (thanks Jess, for teaching me that), and I am probably imagining scenarios that never have happened or never would happen. Even to me, some of these scenarios are impossible, but sometimes, even the relationship is impossible. I never dreamed, not in a million years, that I would be in a relationship with a transgendered person. Not only in a relationship, but choosing to stay in said relationship.....

Who'da thunk it???