Last Day

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. Today is Jess' last day in the National Guard. After 23 years of service he is hanging up the uniform. It makes me sad that he is being forced to give up something he loves so much and to leave behind a way of life that has lived since  was 18 years old. He has been deployed to Iraq and has worked hard to uphold everything that he and the National Guard believe in. I am proud of his years of service and I am proud of all that he has done and accomplished to keep this country safe.

Jess is feeling a bit sentimental and nostalgic today, as is expected, but she is also excited to be able to move on to the next phase of life. She will be pursuing school and exploring herself more I'm sure. How this will affect me and us is yet to be seen. One day at time as usual.

But today, I want to say how very proud I am of her and what she  has done over the last 23 years. Thank you for your service Jess! God Bless you...and I love you....

Just a Dream

I had a dream about Jess last night. I don't often remember my dreams so I was a little surprised. I have dreamed about "him" a few times, but I don't ever remember dreaming about Jess.

In the dream Jess and I were going out. We were at her house getting ready and she came walking out of the bathroom in her wig and full make up. She was wearing a beautiful bra and panty set and had her clothes laid out on the bed. There were two different outfits and she was asking which I thought she should wear. I looked at her in confusion because I was expecting to be going out with "him" and was taken by surprise to learn it would be Jess and I instead. I don't remember feeling anything but surprise. It wasn't that I was surprised that Jess was there, it was more confusion because I misunderstood the plan. There was not shock, or withdrawing or curiosity or revulsion or dismay. There were none of the usually expected feelings when one sees their boyfriend walk out of the bathroom as a woman. It was just confusion that the plan had been changed and I didn't know.

So, being the self-analytical type, I have been thinking on this and trying to determine why I had this dream and what it means. Am I finally becoming "OK" with Jess? Is my level of acceptance becoming greater? Do I look at Jess now differently than I did before? I used to freak out thinking about "him" dressed. I used to have anxiety attacks and would feel smothered with fear at the possibility that "he" may have her clothes on. This weekend "he" was wearing a bra under "his" clothes and I snapped it and told "him" it was a right of passage and "he" laughed. It just all seemed so natural! She came to bed both nights this weekend with her bra and panties on. While I was curious as to what she looked like as "Him" in women's underclothes, there was no adverse or negative feelings associated with it whatsoever. I was happy about that!  I guess all the baby steps I have taken along the way are starting to pay off.

I (we) still have a long way to go, but I can see positive advances being made and this makes me very happy. I hope I keep dreaming....

One day at a time...

I am slowly learning to take life one day at a time. It may not always be what I want it to be but it is worth living.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and with Jess' support I started counseling yesterday. There is a lot going on in my life even without being in love with someone in Jess' situation.

I have always felt different, like I didn't belong or fit in, even in my own family. When I was about 8, I rummaged through my parents bedroom looking for adoption papers because I feel like I didn't fit in with my family. That has followed me into adulthood.

Besides that, in the last 4 years I have had several traumatic incidents happen. I lost both my beloved mother and grandmother within a year of each other. I lost 2 jobs and watched the love of my life spiral down what seemed like a never ending path of depression that I couldn't stop.

My mother's death was incredibly traumatic for me. She was my best friend and I am devastated by her loss.

After my mom died, my father started seeing another woman. Well to be honest, he started seeing her long before my mom passed, like 30 years ago even though my parents were married for 46 years until the day my mom died.

Now I have to deal with this woman living in my mom's house, coming to family events, and weaseling her way into our lives. It fills me with anger and bitterness. I don't want to carry that over and pass it down to my kids.

Add all that to the situation of single-parenthood and the feelings of aloneness and you have the makings of one of the greatest tragedy stories in history.

I finally came to realize that I am overwhelmed and past the point of being an effective parent or partner.  Its definitely time to do something.

I found a therapist who not only deals with anxiety and depression,  but is a certified sex therapist as well. She will be able to counsel Jess and I as a couple down the road if we so choose. I'm really hoping she can help me make some sense of all this.

Until then its just one day at a time in the life of Claire.

Tuesday again

It's been pretty quiet around here lately. Jess stayed home last weekend to get some stuff done around the house and do some studying. I took my kids to their dad's on Friday night and then cleaned all day Saturday for a get together Sat. night.

I invited over 5 of my best girlfriends for a "Grownup Pajama Party - Girls Only!" It was a blast! We all showed up with our pajamas on and everyone brought a snack and a bottle of wine! We ate, we drank, we gossiped and we played games! What a blast!

I think Jess was a little sad that I didn't invite her. She was a little jealous and was wishing she could be there with us. I couldn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, she had her boys last weekend. She can't exactly dress when they are around. And Second, only my very best friend knows about the truth of who my significant other is. While she is very supportive of Jess and my choice to stay with her, the other girls have NO idea! Although with as much wine as we drank, maybe that would have been the night to tell them all???

Anyway, that's all that is really going on. I got my butt chewed at work again yesterday and may not have a job here much longer. I am looking for a new one and crossing my fingers that whatever is coming my way, comes soon and is better than what I have.

Well, back to work here while I still have a job....

Claire....