I really want to post positive things in here, but the last few days have been so trying!
I have been "in the mood" for several days now, and every night, Jess has made it clear that she us NOT in the mood.
Not sure what's going on, but stay tuned for another episode of "A Day in the Life of Claire'
So there was a little to-do at our house tonight! Jess has my kids doing chores while I am at work and is doing laundry and cooking dinner herself , which is a blessing and a huge relief. However, my daughter hates to clean hee room. She will do nearly every chore in the house, even cleaning toilets, before she will clean her room.
Well today she told Jess that her chores were done and was allowed to go to the pool. It was found later that she had not cleaned her room. She threw a fit and fell asleep on her bed and ended up taking a 2 hour nap.
Later I asked Jess if she wills help me with some benefit stuff for my new job. She grudgingly helped but basically told me it was a bit of a bother. I apologized and she told me I was forgiven. I was kind of taken aback by that. I really didn't think that I did anything as bad as all that.
I slept too much yesterday so I was up late last night. I don't want to chalk these feelings up to "being tired" or because I may be. PMSing.
And to top it all off, he still wants nothing to so with making love....
Maybe I will just go to bed and we can talk about all this tomorrow! tomorrow...
What a sucky night in the life of Claire!
Well I guess I shouldn't have slept so much today. Twelve hours last night and a two hour nap this afternoon has left me wide awake. Add all my meandering thoughts to the laziness offers the day and you end up with insomnia. Not a good thing when I have to work tomorrow.
One of the many things floating through my energized brain is my insecurity over how I currently look. I have put on 5 of the pounds I lost and last Friday my left eye tooth broke off at the gum line. I feel fat and redneck and awful. And to top it all off, it doesn't seem like Jess has wanted to be romantic with me since my tooth broke. I hate it! I am a very sexual woman and need that type of contact. When I don't have it, I start to feel really insecure which generally makes things worse. I tried to talk to Jess about this today, but I don't think she heard what I was trying to say. She reassured me that she still finds me attractive and that she loves me, but at bedtime, I got a kiss goodnight, a few minutes of smuggling, and then she rolled over and went right to sleep....ugh...
Anyway...off to try this again...
Good night...from another sleepness night in the life of Claire....
Living with Jess is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Not that its stressful or ruining our relationship or anything, but there are points of contention.
All my adult life I have just "done". I do the housework, the laundry last minute plans, time with my family I've just done it of I want to it think its the right thing to do.
Now, I have to consult with her on everything and sometimes (OK a lot of times) it seems like it has to be done her way without taking my feelings or considerations into account.
Today for example, we are cooking burgers in the grill. There is far more food than we need. So I asked if we should invite my dad and his wife up for the 4th. Jess said "Its too late notice" effectively closing the conversation.
My family is everything to me and since my mom died it feels like the family has disintegrated. I take every chance I can to spend time with them. Jess does not have a close relationship with her family and rarely sees them. When we are with my family I feel like she doesn't even try and sits by herself playing games on her phone until someone talks directly to her. It makes me feel bad because I don't want to leave her out and yet she makes no effort.
Another thing today is the clothes pins. I asked her to pick some up at the grocery store so I could use my new clothesline today. She said no because they would be too expensive there and she would get some at Walmart later. Again, she knew best!
Anyway, I'm sure that this is all a part of the adjustment period of living together and we will overcome....at least I hope we will.
Happy Independence Day everyone....stay cool....its 102° in this day in the life of Claire
So I survived the first day of my new job! I think it will be good. I seem to be getting along with my boss and was well received by the others in the office. Benefits are great! I'm starting with 3 weeks vacation, 12 sick days, and 10 holidays. Insurance is great and I even have my own parking space!
A great day in the life of Claire!
Well today I start my new job! I'm so nervous and out of sorts. I'm glad Jess is staying with me. She gave me a beautiful pep talk this morning and left me feeling like I can do anything.
I told her that I was afraid that people won't like me and that they would judge me. She looked me straight in the eye and said. "Of course they will judge you! Everyone judges, even you!" I hadn't thought of that, and I had a new perspective. Just because they judge doesn't mean its negative judgment.
So I step into my new role with a little more confidence!
Jess had to go back to Madison today for Dr. appointments. Physical, lab tests, meds review and an appointment with the psychiatrist. She's worried about her cholesterol. It was pretty high last time and I'm sure the 3 brats and the brisket tacos yesterday won't help! Hopefully everything is good and they won't change.anything. I'm hoping for very dew changes in the next couple months. I've had enough lately to last a lifetime.
Nice to know I will be going home to her every night though!
Until then...off to another day in the life of Claire!
So the big move is over. Jess has finished her 23 year career in the military and has turned over the keys to her duplex. She will be staying with me until she has found her own place. We have agreed that is the beat course of action until we are 100% sure we can build a life together. (Meaning until I can come to terms with living with and loving a woman).
Its been a long time since I have lived with anyone other than my kids. Even when I was married, my ex husband was not around enough to be considered living g there most of the time. I am not having issues so far, but I can see where they may.
Jess and I have very different sleep patterns. All those years in the military, including one trip to the Middle East, have him rising about 5:30 AM every day. I am so not a morning person! I am not currently working and my kids are at their dads so if I'm up by 9 I'm lucky. Of course she goes to sleep between 10 and 11 while I am up til midnight or later! I'm hoping that will change when I start my new job on Monday.
Also, all the "togetherness" is a bit much. Every minute of every day we are together! I am a huge introvert and need my alone time to re-energize. I haven't had any in quite some time. I need time to do what I want alone. I have a lot of projects I want to get to and even cleaning I do better alone.
To add to all this, there is the extra clutter. It isnt all his stuff, but it definitely contributes. I live in a decent size trailer house with my 2 kids. Space is tight and very limited. We have spent the last 2 months cleaning out my Dads house as he downsizes. Being the sentimental Jimmie that I am, I hate to see anything gone, so I drug it all home! Books, pictures, quilts, even furniture are now scattered around the house, adding to the feeling if chaos!
This will take getting used to, all of it! I know that takes time, so I will have to wait as this all works itself out. In the meantime, welcome to another day in the life of Claire....
Jess finally finished her move up by me. We finished cleaning and loaded the last of it today. Hard to believe we are moving on to a new chapter in our lives. One that will surely bring even more new and
startling changes.
Not sure how I feel about it all. If I could have things stay the way they are I most definitely would! In a heart beat!
Unfortunately lots of changes going on. She retired out of the military back in February, retired out of her job in May, and has moved up here. Physically her breast size has increased due to the increase of estrogen. She has also been practicing her feminine mannerisms. She crosses her legs differently, she moves her hands differently, she even announced that she no longer stands up to pee because it isn't lady like (yet she buck snorts and hocks lugeys in the shower...ewwww)
Lots of emotion accompanying these changes, for both of us. She is excited, nervous, fearful, concerned, on cloud 9. Me, I'm more hesitant, holding back, scared, filled with dread.
Anyway, just a quick note tonight. Will try to do better as we go...
Night Dear Ones!
This post had nothing to do with Jess or being trans or relationships so if you are looking for that move in. This post is simply about a ridden day at work.
It was one of those days where it started out bad from the minute I walked in the door at work and went downhill from there.
I wish I didn't have to fight is many battles all the time. I am so exhausted and emotionally spent that I dont feel like doing anything around the house. Which is a real shame since I was in a roll...
I'm sure that part if it is being hormonal. I'm about 5 days out from my period so that doesn't help.
Well I will have to try and get a good night sleep. Maybe that will give me a better outlook in life tomorrow....
In the meantime, I'm off till do dishes and laundry and balance my checking account!
I am feeling that eerily familiar feeling of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. Jess and I had plans with all the kids this weekend but because of obligations my son had come up we couldn't make it.
Friday night I took my daughter to pick up her new glasses and do a bit of shopping. A friend of mine rode with to get out of the house. By the time we got back, it was rather late, I had a houseful of teenagers and Jess didn't answer her phone.
For most of Saturday, I didn't hear from Jess at all. Hours went by without her answering her phone or text messages. That always leaves me with the feeling that she is mad at me or something. I just get this feeling in me and I can't seem to shake it. It's not that she acts different when we talk, its that she doesn't communicate as often or say as much when we talk. It reminds me of when she was sick.
Today, we were supposed to take the kids to the big auto show. I was really looking forward to going and instead had to settle for tiny pictures sent from her cell phone. I know she was trying to include me the best she could but I couldn't help but feel left out.
When she did finally call, she was in the vehicle with all the kids and they were all talking and I couldn't hear or make sense of anything they were saying.
She did call around 10 to tell me good night but again didn't have much to say. I hate feeling like this and even when she does ask me what's wrong, I don't have the right words for what I am feeling.
I can't fault her for having fun with her kids when I'm not there, nor would I ever deny her that. I'm just feeling forgotten and unimportant and I'm angry with myself for allowing those feelings to take hold.
I know she loves me...that's all that should matter. Somehow tonight its not.
"Sigh" Just another day in the life of Claire....
