Wow, a year gone by and I haven't even noticed....well, I did, but I didn't want to! It's been a tough, tough year for Jess and I. She has been spiraling down into a severe depression for months now, culminating a week ago Friday in an unintentional suicide attempt. Being two hours away, I was terrified! I couldn't help any more than I have been able to help all along.
Much of her depression has nothing with being transgendered. It has to do with an ex-wife who keeps piling up bills. It has to do with her no longer being physically fit/lack of exercise. It has to do with fear over losing her job due to security clearances (or lack thereof because of said bills). It has to do with the distance between us. It has to do with her children failing in school despite the intelligence they possess. It has to do with a stressful job. And it does, in part, have to do with being transgendered and the lack of support that she has in that area.
When she was found after the suicide attempt, the hospital she was taken too didn't have any beds in the psychiatric ward, so, being she (actually "he") is in the military, they transferred her ("him") to the VA hospital, along with ALL of her records! ARRRRGGH! Can you say panic? She managed to get that transfer blocked, but will have to explain why at some point.
Ok, let me explain a bit for those of you who don't know...Jess (as a male) is in the National Guard. She (as "he") also works full time for the National Guard. By transferring her records from the hospital to the VA, they basically "outed" her to the Guard.
Luckily, two of her co-workers (one in a position of power) know her situation and are doing all they can to black out or block her records. There is also another person, higher up and a lesbian, who knows and is doing all she can to keep Jess' secret safe.
In the meantime, Jess has taken this opportunity to come clean to others in her life about her status. She discussed it with her father and her two oldest children. She asked for and received their support. In fact, after a very rocky and abusive relationship with her father, finally received the acceptance she has craved since she was a child. I am so happy for her. Hearing that from her dad had to be about the best thing she could have received.
So, her circle is widening and that is a good thing, but what was once an "us" thing is now an "all of us" thing. It makes me sad and leaves me feeling a bit displaced. The two female co-workers that she has confided in are her new BFFs and are also her safety net if she ever starts to feel suicidal again. Of course the safety net is simply due to the fact that they are in close physical proximity and I am not, but it still makes me feel like I am no longer needed.
She says they are friends and I am her love but she is treading in unknown waters and things could change. Of course things could change even if she weren't TS, but that I would know how to deal with.
She has found a support group that meets on the weekends that we don't have our children. She is planning on starting this Friday night. Her new best friend, Patti (from work) offered to go with her for the first meeting so she didn't have to go alone. Jess politely told her no thanks for the offer. Whew...She said she was reserving the right to go with her for me. Awww....
I am appreciative that Patti offered to go. I know it has to be scary for Jess to face this. I know that there have been many times that she has sat outside the building while the meetings were going on trying to gain the courage to go in. I think it would be easier for her if we could go together, holding hands (cuz we will both be scared out of our mind!).
Well, anyway..this post is long enough...now that the cat is coming out of the bag (so to speak) I will probably be on here more, logging our journey. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, we will definitely need them....
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