Well, it appears that the inevitable has arrived. Jess is wanting to come out more and more. At one point I told "him" that she was banned from my house, but as usual, with a little time, everything changes. First it was just a nightie to sleep in, then it was clothes gravitating to my closet but no dressing, then it was a daring drive from her house to mine in the middle of the night unexpectedly (which prompted the ban) and now it is here. She wants to know if she can dress at my house this weekend.
I know that it has been months and months and months since she has made her appearance anywhere, and that this has been a part of "his" depression, but having her at my house has raised my anxiety level immensely! I am not really sure why. I have seen her dressed before. It left me uncomfortable but it isn't like I've never seen it and I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, able to express herself. So why the fear?
I fear my own reaction first and foremost. I don't want to hurt her feelings, not one little bit. I love her far too much for that. I want to be encouraging and loving. But you see, it really is a big shock to see the person you view as a man, suddenly in female form. And even worse, I do not find her attractive as a female. I don't like kissing lipstick, her breasts are hard and press into places they shouldn't, and she is much taller when she wears her heels. It just feels wrong. I am, after all, a heterosexual female, not a lesbian. Right?
Which leads me to another fear...what if I grow to find her attractive? I mean, I love her personality as "him" and even though she is VERY shy and unsure of herself, that personality will still be there and that truly is what I love about "him". What would that make me? I have never wondered about my sexuality before, always have been attracted to men. But since I have been with Jessica, I have had fantasies, of her, always her, in bed, at my side, wild nights, exploring and investigating. What if I like it? What if it is what I have wanted all along?
I also fear exposure. What if a family member would stop by house unexpectedly and see her? It isn't unheard of to have one of my brothers or my nephew just pop in for a soda or some milk and a cookie. Who do I say she is? Or would they see right through to "him" and find out the secret? Or worse, what if they stop by and see me kissing her? Ack! I don't even want to think about having to explain THAT!
I have told her that she is welcome to bring her things. I know it is the right thing to do and that this will help in her recovery. I will just have to face my fears and see what the weekend brings. I know it won't be all weekend. We have to go to the mall. She is to unsure of herself (I think) so I doubt she would dress for that. We also have my nephew's birthday party and I know she won't dress for that. At most, it may be later Sat. night. That I think I can handle and the risk of exposure is minimal.
Taking a deep breath and going home to face the weekend...Lord, give me strength and wisdom!
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