I wish I had written this post over the weekend, when my emotions, thoughts and feelings were at their most intense, but with Jess right there, it is hard to get anything down. I don't know if she knows I have this blog or, if she doesn't, if I would want her to know. This is where I get rid the hardest stuff out. A place I can write it down, re-read it, turn it over, process it, and eventually, hopefully accept it.
Well, Jess is definitely taking off with the expressing herself thing. I did tell her to feel free to be herself last weekend. I knew it has been a very long time (a year or more?) since she had been able to or even felt like shaving, dressing, etc. and with the recent events, I wanted to be as supportive as I can possible be. I didn't know what it would do to me. I feel very left behind. Like someone has started a jet engine in her and she can't slow down to wait for me. I am hoping that eventually this "kid in a candy store" feeling of being able to express herself will wear off and it can just "be". I don't mind so much that she is transsexual, but why in the world do we have to talk about it all the time? It seemed to be the only topic of conversation all weekend long!
Friday night *he* arrived with suitcase and duffel bag in tow. The duffel is *his* stuff and the suitcase was overflowing with hers! Ok, I can handle it. It was rather late and there was no expectation of Jess making an appearance that night due to the amount of work and effort it would take. She did show up in bed later that night, in a manner of speaking. Instead of the usual t-shirt and boxers, I suddenly found myself snuggling with a silky nightie. It was only the night, no wig or make up or anything. *He* wasn't even shaven, so not a lot of difference and hey, I like silky! We talked, we laughed, we made love (with everything nicely tucked away of course). Then we went to sleep.
Saturday morning, I had an 8AM chiropractic appointment that we made it to. Then it was off to Wal-Mart and the mall. I was wanting to get a mani/pedi. Jess wanted one too, but is still in stealth mode (for the most part) so I splurged on a massage for her. Then we had some shopping to do and the mall was having their sidewalk sales. Now, normally, I love to shop with *him*, looking at all kinds of different things. But it is a lot different shopping with Jess, especially with the cat out of the bag now...Suddenly our shopping trip became a shopping spree for Jess. I finally stopped looking for myself because I couldn't concentrate with the constant interruptions..."How about this?" "What do you think of this one?" I was just done..I couldn't even enjoy myself. How disappointing.
Later Sat. night we had a birthday party for my nephew. The owners of the house smoke and when we got home, we both needed showers. I took mine and when I got out, *he* was busy with the clippers, getting ready to shave. When *he* jumped in the shower, I put on my favorite nightgown, long and lavender. I wanted *him* to find me sexy, to rekindle that feeling, to try to get the closeness back. When *he* got out of the shower, *he* looked at me with an admiring look and then went straight to trying on all of HER new clothes...
I felt so rejected, so hurt. It was like all she wanted me there for was to admire her in her new clothes and tell her that they looked good. To reassure her. We did make love later, but it just wasn't the same.
Sunday we slept late. Really late. I had to leave around 4 to get my kids and *he* just kind of laid around all day. I thought *he* was going to come with me, but *he* decided not to. When I left, *he* was laying in bed. When I talked to *him* later, *he* said that *he* thought *he* had confused the cat and the neighbor. *He* said that it was Jess that left my house. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to have to explain to my kids, my family, my neighbors. And I don't want my neighbors talking about me or my guests. I know I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone elses' business, but this is something completely different. I kind of feel violated. I was scared for her driving home. Its the first time she was out in public (sort of) during the day.
Well, I think this post is long enough for now. Like I said, I should have posted this at the height of emotion. Or maybe several posts over a couple of days. Once again time has had a way of softening the sting....
No comments:
Post a Comment