Well, it was our weekend with kids, meaning no opportunity for Jess to appear. This is a good thing as I needed a break and for things to be a little "normal". We had birthday parties all weekend for my daughter, along with the Superbowl, so it was mostly just *him*. There were glimpses of Jess, a look, a comment, a hand gesture, but they have been there all along, so nothing out of the ordinary.
We had a good weekend, for the most part. Well, as good as you can get when you have 4 children cooped up in a trailer house for most of the weekend! There were only a couple of speed bumps but nothing that every other family doesn't experience, especially with 4 kids! :)
Next weekend is another story. I used to look forward to our "alone" weekends, when the kids go to their other parents. I used to relish in having *his* full attention focused on us. I loved the time to just languish in our love for each other, to be silly, to act like teenagers in love! The touches, the kisses, the looks deep into each other's eyes. We have been together for over 5 years and I still get butterflies!
It really is a different story now. I almost dread our weekends alone, especially after the last one. This upcoming weekend, on Friday night, is the meeting of her TG support group. She waited to go until I could go with her and I really do want to go, even though I am nervous as hell and worried and anxious and every other emotion you can think of. I want to go because I know she is nervous too! She has never done anything like this. She has online support from other TGs but nothing real and live and face to face. She is nervous too, but in a different way than I am. Hers is a nervousness caused by her excitement to forge her future, to meet others, to have "friends" she can talk to about all of this. She is excited and bright eyed and breathless with anticipation. I, on the other hand, will go, dragging my feet the entire way. To me this is one more step on the path to the inevitable future that I don't want and I don't want to have to face.
Anyway, her meeting is on Friday night and I promised I would go. Well, things have changed and I won't be able to after all. I was going to get off work early and take the kids to their dads early so I could be there in time for the meeting. Now I can't get off work early so will not be able to make it down there in time. Also, my son wants to stay with me for just Friday night and go to his Dad's on Sat. morning.. This scenario also blows any idea of accompanying Jess to her meeting.
I'm sad that I can't go and I feel even worse that it looks like I will be breaking a promise to her. It just sucks that the meetings are on the same night I have to take my kids to their dad's. Jess lives 2 hours south of me and I meet my ex 1 1/2 hours north. So to get to Jess's house those nights I drive 1 1/2 hours north to turn around and drive 3 1/2 hours south (almost 6 hours of driving) and then I have to do that again on Sunday in reverse. I would do it though, in a heart beat, and have many times, if that is what needed to be done!
Besides the meeting, I also know that Jess will appear as she did last weekend. It may be even more prevalent because Jess lives in a bigger city where she can blend in a bit easier than she can in my town. What if this is the weekend she decides to make her first public appearance. I'm not sure I am ready for that when I still have a hard time with the private appearances.
Another worry for the weekend is that it is Valentine's Day. It used to be my favorite holiday and now I am almost dreading it! It makes me sad to think of all that I am losing, but that is another topic for another post. For now, I will leave it that all plans for the upcoming weekend are on hold or up in the air. Kinda sucks....
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