Hey, there, sorry its been so long...Life has been so busy and we have been so focused on getting Jess better that everything else seems to have gone by the wayside.
Well, good news is - Jess is better! MUCH better! She feels pretty good about herself and has been managing work and parenting just fine. She still sleeps a lot but that is as much from her meds and sleep issues from PTSD as it is from anything else.
The bad news is that everything seems to be coming to a head. She has found herself not just 1 but 2 support groups that she goes to or talks to the members on a regular basis. One is even at the VA for soldiers who face this issue. She has also started a small dose of estrogen and testosterone blockers in an attempt to make her hair less coarse and ready her body for electrolysis. Or so she says anyway...I think the dose is higher than that and is doing more than she is admitting to me.
She will be medically retired from the military by the end of the year, which she says is very freeing. Does it have to do with her gender issue, yes, it does. They insisted on her submitting her records due to the continued treatment of depression and of course the gender issue is addressed in many places in her formal records. Luckily she has friends in high places that helped get her a medical discharge where she will receive all benefits due her instead of an administrative discharge (usually what people with gender issues face) where she wouldn't get anything.
Once retired, she will also lose her job as it is a dual-status job. She has to be a soldier to hold the position. Once she is no longer a soldier, she will no longer be eligible to keep it! UGH how stupid is that. As if just because she isn't a soldier any more she loses all the knowledge she gained in the last 5 years of working the this job!
She has been accepted to school as well so she can complete her Bachelor's and begin to pursue her Physician's Assistant degree! She is so excited about all of this!
So, there is the good news, and I bet you are wondering where the bad news is. Well, the bad news is, I am not sure I can handle all this any more, at least not as her romantic partner and I'm not sure how to tell her. It seems that every conversation gets steered in "THAT" direction and I can't avoid it at all. I am starting to cringe at the thought of talking to her. It seems we can't have a conversation without it coming up in some form. She used to send me links to articles that she thought I would be interested in , now they are all transgendered related.
Also, she currently lives 2 hours away from me. This is due to ex -spouses and child custody agreements. We met online and have had a long distance relationship for the entire course of our 6 years together. I am starting to want more. I want help around the house. I want someone who will be there to hold me at night. I want to feel that I am not facing the world alone all the time!
As much as I want that, I'm not sure that I want it with Jess. The school she has been accepted to is one that is very close to me, so close that we could potentially live together. As soon as she said that I could feel myself pulling away, hemming and hawing and trying to find excuses not to have it happen (none of which I said to her).
I have children (10 and 16) who love Jess in her male form very very much. *He* has provided a father figure for them that they didn't otherwise have. How can I explain to them that *he* is really a she? I can't even imagine what it would do to them, how devastating it would be! Also, their biological father is the most bigoted, homophobic, narcissistic, racist man I know. He has no tolerance for anyone who is different than he is. I am so afraid of what he would do if he found out that I am with a transgendered person. As for his children, they don't have the same level of love and respect for him that mine do. Jess' ex-wife has really turned all their children against Jess and has effectively driven a wedge between them and her, though I am sure that Jess has something to do with that as well. Jess' military training and his PTSD have made her build an emotional canyon between herself and her children. Jess' kids don't have nearly as much to do with her and aren't nearly as affectionate and loving to him as mine are. She would definitely lose that if she were to come out to them. Jess' oldest two children know about the gender issue. They saw her in the hospital and have visited her several times since, but they never seem to initiate the contact. They don't go out of their way to involve her in their lives. The younger two still live at home and the youngest is still very cuddly and snuggly, but we are waiting for that to change as he is already 12 and is watching his older siblings closely and trying to act like the "big" kids...
And through it all, Jess doesn't seem to give a thought to what I am thinking or what I will be going through. She just keeps plowing forward like a bull in a china shop. She has done this all along...like with the earrings, or with the hormones! Grrrr! Now it is altering her voice to sound more feminine! She has CDs and without asking, downloaded them onto my computer! Now, my children have access to the same computer. What would they think if they came across these? UGH!!
Wow, this got really long. Guess I'd better quit now. Will do what I can to keep you posted on this never ending saga in A Day in the Life of Claire!
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