It is a cold, snowy, blustery day here in Wisconsin. Ice and snow moved in over night to create a beautiful winter wonderland! Schools are closed and roads are sloppy, but I am floating on cloud nine after a wonderful 24 hours with Miss Jessica!
Jess had drill on Saturday so was unable to come up to visit until Saturday night. She arrived around 6 with her boys and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner of my famous enchilada's with salad and Mexican rice. A girlfriend of mine was feeling rather lonely so she came over for dinner as well and afterward, joined myself and Jess' youngest son in several rousing games of mini golf on the Wii! It was a blast and I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time! I ended the evening with sore ribs and cheeks from all the laughter!
After our company left and the boys were all settled down, Jess and I went to bed and spent several hours intimately engaged. It wasn't only physical, we had a very deep, emotional conversation as well. Things were discussed that needed to be discussed for a very long time. These were topics that I avoided talking about with her due to her fragile emotional state over the last year. She has improved so much that I felt I could finally bring them up.
These issues included my feelings of being left behind, of her being selfish and pursuing her wants and needs without consulting me, my fear of her transition if and when it comes and its consequences to our relationship.
The conversation was taken well and in the loving manner in which it was intended and we were able to continue it into Sunday. We also discussed our living arrangements when she moves here to go to school next summer.
While we have waited 6 and a half years to be together, I don't feel that us moving in together is the best plan of action right now. My son is having some resentment issues with Jess as her male self and having "him" move in would just make them worse I am afraid. It would mean moving from our home and getting something bigger and it would mean a constant butting of heads between my son and my partner. My son will be a senior next year and after that it may be a possibility.
I also feel that before we combine our houses and our finances and our entire lives, I feel that Jess needs time to become the person she is meant to be. She has just recently come out to her friends and family and needs to take the time to see how she likes being Jess, see how she is received en femme, and explore the possibilities she now has open to her. While I want to be a part of all of it, I think that it would be better if she does it herself. I can't make the decisions for her or tell her what to do. She needs to figure all of that out on her own and I believe that living with me will hinder that.
I also believe that I need time to adjust to Jess as a female. I met and fell in love with her male persona and have a difficult time trying to figure out if I can continue to be intimate with her as a female. I need to weigh the pros and cons and consider the consequences, not just for me, but for my children, of staying with her during and after transition. I have to be around Jess on a more consistent basis and see how that goes before I go moving in with her.
All of these conversations were received very well. It was a huge relief to have her smiling and open and accepting of what I was saying. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was heard and understood. As Jess told me - "Heard, Understood and Acknowledged - HOOAH Baby!" - LOL!
Well there you have a condensed version of my weekend...coming soon...Effects of Jess' coming out letter...Stay tuned to the Life of Claire!
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